Thoughts & Things

I'd like to say things went well at the hospital today, but I'm still so confused by the the whole thing that I'm just not sure. I know that sounds really daft, but I just had so much to take in, take this pill then, that pill at such & such time & do this that & the other, oh & take folic acid & have intercourse on alternate days etc. That's not even a 10th of the information I was given. I've been put on the waiting list for a second laperoscopy, I had one in 2001 but for a different reason than this time, also I'm waiting for a scan. It could be six months before I get to the top of the list though, but I'm on short notice, so they could call me at any time they like really between now & Christmas. God it's only June & I just said Christmas. Scarey!
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been given three different types of pills to take. The first is to force my body into a cycle. This should take effect in the next week or so with any luck. The second set are Metphormin, this is to level out my insulin problem which is an assosiated issue of PCOS. The third set are Chlomid, this forces the body to continue ovulating when it is supposed to & not once a year as I do now, so that we will get pregnant. With any degree of luck we should be baking within the next 4 months. But it's not an open shut case. As well as taking all these tablets I also have to take folic acid, obvious really, but I hadn't thought of it. I also have to have "day 21" blood tests done over the next two months to check I am ovulating as I'm supposed to be. If I'm not then my dose of Chlomid will be upped. It's all really complicated & I don't think I've even gone over half of what the doc said today, but the good news was that Gareth's zinc intake has had the desired effect, so IVF may not be neccessary now coz he's outperforming his past results.
This whole situation is so confusing & its really difficult to absorb everything in one go. But I think once I'm in the swing of things medication wise, everything else will fall into place. So, without getting our hopes up & without sounding too prosumptuous, watch this space for happy news in the not too distant future (with any luck)

Yesterday was a great day! Even if I was skint after it all. Anyway, I paid my bills like a good little girl & I did all my food shopping & I even made it to team practice in the night (for pool), although half the team did not. Gareth & I made it to Surrey & back as well. It took 8 hours in total, but it was well worth it. We went on a 460 mile round trip to pick up my ace scooter It's a 1970s vespa style Honda. A true Japanese import jobby though. The thing isn't even registered in the UK. The guy I bought it off has had it three years & let it continue to rust etc. So it's mine & Gareth's summer restoration project. It's the first attempt by both of us to do up a bike, we've both worked on cars before. Gareth's favourite was the Opel Manta. He is still devestated that he got rid of it. But I'm sure he'll find another one somewhere along the line. I love this little scooter, well I say little, it's bigger than I expected it to be. It cost me £55. Bargain. We're keeping it in the kitchen at the moment, so the kids on the street don't try to pinch it or wreck it. A good plan it was too, until the fooking dog got hold of it earlier!!!! She decided that, because it's taking up a bit of her space, she'd eat all the original honda tact badges off the panels. Demolished them she did!!!!! I was NOT impressed. I don't think I'll ever be able to replace them either. I'm heart broken & the dog is banished to her cage for the night. This could very well be the last straw in a very long line of destructive behaviour for her. I thought we had made huge progress with her lack of respect for things & eating stuff she shouldn't. Like my trainers, sofa, scooter etc, but I was wrong & she is once again on the verge of being rehomed. I've backed down on this point several times over the last few months, but today has really taken the biscuit & I'm not going to let her off easy. She's getting the cold shoulder that's for sure. She stresses me out so much, I just don't know if I can cope with it any more. We'll just have to wait & see. If she stays, she's a very lucky dog indeed.

.....financially comfortable for about 5 seconds.

Hard to believe, but it's true. I get around £300 tomorrow, I'm over drawn by £17 at the moment & I have £240 worth of bills to pay for as soon as I wake up. If not, I'll have no water, no internet, I won't be going to pick up my lovely crappy little scooter from Banstead in Surrey & I'll have bailiffs at the door no doubt. What a wonderful world. Still, I'm not going to be skint for long. I've started this new debt recovery regime. One of my own design, not one from some anckle snapping company that tell you they're doing you a favour, when in actual fact they are just screwing you over ever so slightly more with each passing day. Debt Free Direct my arse!!! I did get in touch with one of those companies not so long ago, to see if they could help me out. I gave the guy a list of my income & all my out goings. He was totally useless & didn't understand a word I was telling him. Anyway, in the end they sent me one of those "no obligation" statement thingies that tell you if you sell your soul to them & give them every penny you earn, you'll be debt free in 5 years. Well that's all nice & lovely & I appriciated the help, until I realised that by giving them the amount of money they were asking for (about 95% of my monthly income) I'd be even more financially ruinned than I already was!!! I mean, I can't guarentee my house phone bill will be under £25 every month, or that my mobile bill will be under £30 every month for the next 5 years, or that the rate of Tesco's personal inflation won't increase my food shopping bill beyond the £30 I try to stick to at the moment. Freedom of debt is not worth your soul trust me.
Anyway, as I was saying, before I ranted off on one. I've started my own personal debt recovery regime. I've decided to dig out all the small debts, the ones under £200 & pay them off one by one in 3 payments each. This gets them out of the way & off my mind. The only problem is, while this is a nice idea, it doesn't leave me that much money to play around with in the mean time. But, it's only in the very short term. By August I will have paid off most if not all of my puny debts, which means I'll just be left with the big ugly ones. But it'll be on my terms & that makes everything easier for me. No sleepless nights or endless headaches. A very pleasant change from the norm.
So, yes I'm a bit pissed off that I didn't realise quite how horrificaly I was shafting myself up my own arse financially for the next few weeks, but, it's only for a few weeks. If I tell myself that, then I will get it all sorted & it'll be out of the way in no time. Which means I'll have more free money in the long run, which means I'll be able to do more shopping for random crap I don't need, which means I'll be happier all round. Che ching!!! Sweet   

Stage two of a very scarey process is about to enter my life soon. We (Gareth & I) have our second bakery lesson, as I call it, on the 12th. I'll explain, bakery lesson, bun in the oven, trying for a baby...got it? Anyway, we had our first appointment about this three months ago & it's been a long & stressful time waiting for this next one. Gareth's 100% sure we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby, he's definately not the worrier in our relationship that's for sure. I'm filled with a sense of dread half the time & the rest of the time I'm really excited. It confuses me, so many emotions surrounding the possibility of becoming a parent. I guess the thing that makes it hardist is the fact that we have to plan every little thing in order for it to happen, because I have fertility issues. It's ok for the majority of women, it just happens upon them, not even planned most of the time & they just get on with it. I see some of those people, teenage mum's, druggies, abusive & unkind people, they pop sprogs coz they can't be arsed to use protection. They probabley never wanted thier kids when they had them, but they've ended up as parents. I feel so infuriated by them & thier lack of care or awareness & wonder if thier children really have the life they deserve. Jealousy I guess it what causes me to burn up on the inside when it comes to the lucky ones who don't have to try. I was talking to one of the ladies on my Pool Team not too long ago about kids. She told me how she & her husband tried for 6 weeks without joy for thier first child & that they felt for sure they would need to see the doctor about it. How they worried it would never happen & they would be a childless couple. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't stop myself. I actually laughed at her. Cruel I know, but it wasn't because I thought what she said was funny, it was because I knew she had no idea what trying actually felt like. "Six weeks" I said, "we've been trying for a year with no joy" After that she didn't know what to say to me & just clammed up & walked away. I don't know if it was pity or just shock that made her do that, but we've never really shared words since. A shame coz she's a nice lady. I think she feels sorry for me.
I know what you're thinking, if you've been trying for a year why are you so worried about it all, this is obviously what you want. Yes it is what we want, but when you have the time to think it over again & again, you have the time to find doubts & uncertainty. It's frightening to think that you're going to bring another person into this world, defenseless, naked, it's whole life of unspeakable truths ahead of it. But at the same time, this person will be the most beautiful thing to you in the whole world & to see him or her cry just once will be enough to break your heart into a million pieces. You have time to wonder why it is you want this child, if your reasons are the right ones, or if indeed there is a right reason. I went to see a family planning nurse some years ago, when I was younger & I'd just been told I couldn't have children. I desperately wanted to prove I could & I wanted a baby more than anything. The nurse questioned why I wanted a child. I told her I couldn't explain why, but it was something that I knew would make my life complete. She told me I was selfish. That I wanted a child for my own means & not for the right reasons. That I was not ready to be a mother & that if I had a child then I would be a terrible mother. I know in my heart of hearts she was doing the right thing, talking me out of it. Admittedly I can look back & see it was not the right time & it would have been a mistake, but it still makes me question my motives now. Am I still being selfish, or am I, we, wanting a family of our own for the right reasons. Right & wrong. Now or later. Is it a now or never situation as my friend Gwilym put it lastnight? If we don't do this now, will we ever have another chance & is the uncertainty around that forcing us to act? Is now rather than never the only reason we are going ahead with this? I don't think so, but I know it plays on my mind constantly.
I see pregnant women & pine for a fat stomach. I see babies in thier prams & feel instantly broody. I know I want a child, I know Gareth wants a child too & I know we want to have that child together. I'm just nervous I guess. Time is a scarey thing coz it gives you time to question yourself. Things will turn right in the end I know they will, I just need to relax a bit more.

When is it acceptable to do the right/wrong/right thing??? An interesting question me thinks.
You see, when "brotherly" love is not extended to you for a very long period of time (5 years) & you are subjected to all kinds of abuse, verbal, physical & mental (long story) you eventually,
get a little fed up with things yes? Yes! So I've sort of been having a bit of a think about the right thing to do. Hence the right/wrong/right situation.
If you had been subjected to all kinds of harassment, not that I can prove any of it or anything, for the 5 years I have & you've had to endure it all, eventually things get a little hellish shall we say. You're sick of being bitten by the baddy, so you entertain the idea of biting back. It becomes a pleasurable passtime. Your mind indulging itself in your darkest & most evil get your own back fantisies. The wicked grin of potencial freedom creeps accross your mouth without you even realising it. Your massarcistic side running free(ish) &, left unattended so to speak, hatching
plan of action after plan of action. Until eventually you are presented with the perfect opportunity, handed to you on a silver platter almost, by the very people who have caused you to plan so sneakily & quietly. You can't believe your luck! Yet you know it's a risky plan. Paranoia kicks in. Can they really catch on to what you're going to do, can they prove it was you, or is guessing enough? Will things get better or worse? Will your moment of sweet sweet victory be so short lived? Is it worth it.....yes yes yes!!!! Damn it it's worth it!!! I know I've got one back at them!
I've done my bit for society & revenge. Ha ha ha haaaaa
So, I'll explain a little more shall I? I'll give you an example, not the same situation exactly, but one similar in moral dilema. If someone you didn't like was cheating the system, say for benefits (I stress again this is not the same as what's happened with this situation) & said person had been a total twat to you for ages & ages & ages, & you happened to find out said person was screwing the system, would you take your personal grudge out on them by reporting them? Therefore screwing them over, gaining your revenge (sweet sweet sweet revenge) & putting things right for the system & society? Hmmm right/wrong/right thing to do. Well I know what I'd do, but trust me, it's a revenge well worth having. T he he

.....a friend. Nice. I like friends. They make life interesting don't they. They can tell you when you're right or wrong (whether you listen or not) & tell you honestly "Yes your bum does look big in that." They send you little notes or texts when you don't have time to talk, or emails or comments on your profiles & blogs. They tell you they give a shit & they actually do. It's nice to know that someone out there isn't too scared, or intimidated, to tell you what they really think of you, whether it be good or bad. They accept you for you faults & failings just as easily as you accept them for thiers. I like that. Comfortable knowing that if you were making a twat of yourself, they would tell you without hessitation. I like that too. So thank you friend for accepting me, my faults & my failings, for not caring whether I'm a size 0 or a size 20+, for not giving a damn whether I've put on my make-up or washed my hair, or even for being bothered by the dirty stain on my top. Thank you for seeing me inside myself & not what everyone else sees. Thank you for looking beyond my defense mechanisms & my big mouth & my stupid side. You're a real person, so you see the real people around you, not the fakes, the lies & falsehoods that some people try to be. Thank you dearest friend, thank you for seeing me.

Bit disapointed this evening. Nothing major has happened or anything, just bit upset that my County match has been cancelled for this weekend. I was really looking forward to it. I'm not on top playing form this week or anything, but I always feel more positive about my game after a county match. They're hard work & take alot of mental power, especially with all the rules we have to follow, even to the dress code! Silly I know, but it's a game in a high competition & professional level to a degree, so you have to look the part. Still, I've got a match on Monday night which is nice, I enjoy league as much as I enjoy county, I'd just rather miss out the doubles games coz I hate them. They totally ruin your stride you know, stops you playing the game the way you want to when you have to consult your partner. Mind you, if me & Spaz are put together again then we don't really need to talk too much coz our style of play is very similar, it's like an unspoken communication between us. Kinda cool but wierd at times. Lol. Not sure what I'd do without my pool. I think I'd have a very tidy house at least, coz I'd have nothing else to do other than tidy. Lol. I have the rest of my life to tidy, all I wana do at the moment is concentrate on my game & get onto the Welsh Internationls Team

Hello everyone.
I need your help. No don't click off the page, it's real easy & I'll love you forever if you can do this for me.
My other half Gareth needs a photo of a TAX DISC & OPERATORS LICENCE from a lorry. It doesn't matter how big the lorry is, as long as it's a Brittish one, sorry. Both the discs are displayed in the front window of the cab, they should be right next to each other. It's so he can finish his NVQ & learn to drive lorries himself.
So please please please help me do this & grab your mobile phones & take a quick, but clear picture of the discs & message them or email them to me as soon as you can.
Lets make a game of it. The more pics the merrier, plus I want to see just how many people pay attention these days
You're my superstars & I love you all. This is really important ok.
Love n hugs
Karen xXx

Isn't it amazing? You ask for help &, dun dun duuuuuuuun!!! You get none. Shock horror! I don't know if it's because people don't read bulletins any more, or even if they have this "someone else will do it" attitude, or even a "why should I help you & what will I get out of it" attitude. I just find it really disheartening. Disapointing. It's like people don't want to help others at all any more. You ask someone a favour that will take maybe, I don't know 5 minutes out of thier day, 10 max, & all you get is a big fat "you have to be kidding" or "no chance". Well that's just charming isn't it. If someone asks me a favour I generally bend over backwards to help out. The world has just got lazy I tell you. It's a shame, because the human race is, without a doubt, the most incredible tool & invention ever. We just don't use it any more. We all sit there on our asses doing fuck all coz it's easier. Nice one people, very smooth.

It's that time of the week again....Karen's rant

Things could be better you know. I suppose they could be alot worse. Well they could be a bit worse, but not by that much. I've had the most financially draining 3 weeks of my life! Worse than Christmas!!! & we all know how bad that can be!!! Every penny I've had has been put into going to & from Coventry to visit family & do family things. Petrol, food, meals out, birthday presants, Gareth's car insurance TWICE, this isn't including all the mundane things you have to pay for outside of all these like bills. Gas, electric, mobile phone bill, house phone bill, food shopping & everything else that I have to fork out for every week. I'm screwed!!!! I'm so financially fucked that even my PayPal account is overdrawn! I didn't even know that was possible!!!!!!!!!! I've had 8 purchases from ebay that have been sent to me & the bank has declined payment over TWO WEEKS LATER!!!!! I'm now overdrawn in my current account, I have no savings to cover the loss & PayPal wants me to recover my account with them & I have to pay for the items that have been declined by the bank. I don't get paid for another 10 days & my motorbike direct debit was reversed because Abbey are a bunch of cunts. So that's another £100 I've gota pay out next week. Brilliant. I feel totally lost. Drowning in life & it's responsibilities. Suffocated by the poisenous smog that are the financial burdens in my life. I'm just glad I don't have a mortegage otherwise I'd be homeless by now. Do you know what the literal translation is of Mortegage? Death Debt. Or a debt for life, or it could be seen as a debt that will be the end of you. Wow that really inspires me to go out & buy a frickin house!!!!
I'm waiting for my bank to give me back all the "unlawful charges" I've paid over the last couple of years. It's nealry £1,500! Funny isn't it how the banks are more than willing to take money off you left right & centre, but when it comes to admitting fault & giving back to you the money you rightfully deserve they bimble around & make excuse after excuse & in the end they hope you'll get bored of waiting & let them get away with it. They should have paid out to me by now & if they had I'd be fine. But they haven't & what's more they've told me it's going to take them a full 40 days to properly investigate the situation. What a load of bullshit! They're just gona sit on thier asses & do nothing for 40 days & then tell me I'm not getting a penny from them. Well screw them I'm taking those f*ckers to court!!!!!
I used to have a fantastic degree of financial independance you know. I've always had alot of debts, but I could afford to live & even enjoy a bit of my money. But for the last 7 months at least I feel like I've had all that stripped from me. Raped of my independance, left naked with the tattered ruins of my pride & strength scattered on the floor around me like so much ripped clothing. It's depressing you know. I feel like I'm in a lake, cold & icey & the longer I'm in there the more the hyperthermia stiffens my body & weighs me down, I begin to feel tired, my eyes finding it hard to stay open, panic subsides leaving a willingness for the darkness to take over, my fight all but gone. The last air bubble escaping my from my cold parted lips as the water rises over my head, the last part of me to see the fading daylight is my hair as it too is enveloped by the velvetly darkness of the lake waters. Sinking, heavily but weightless to the bottom where I lay cold & still like the stones around me, my eyes finally close as I come to the realisation I have been totally consumed, accepting my fate, I become one with the lake, I die.
This is how I feel, burried, drowned by my debts, by my lack of faith & independance. I don't want to give up, but I may not have a choice. What do I do?