tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/No products or reviews. Just everyday hard hitting life with its trials & tribulations. Real thoughts & feelings.MokoFeed2009-11-21T10:38:16+01:00tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2009-10-26:/2009/10/26/the-view-from-my-window-a-work-day-blog-7247491/karenchesters2009-10-26T16:11:48+01:002009-10-26T16:11:48+01:00 <p> The slatted magnolia blind, pulled to one side every morning in painful expectation of what lies beyond, sits in it’s place, quite happily gathering the dust of days past, greying with age. It’s unkempt dullness a mirror of the monotonous air that hangs thick like a passive smokers dream, stagnant, bog like & stifling the slightest air of creativity. Past the mucky pains of standard NHS double glazing & their brown frames mocking the faded Summer, clings a delicate web, crystallised by misty droplets of “Swansea rain”. The kind that lingers in the air, hanging lifeless & still like an unlucky victim of a lynch mob, only leaving it’s mark on you as you brush past it. The diamond strands of sickly sticky silk waiting patiently for their passing prey, perfect in their creation & anchored intricately to the guttering & tiles of the slanted roof. The smallest breeze washes through it, like subtle waves caressing the golden sand of a lazy beach, a tease of a catch for the idle weaver lain just beyond any poor unfortunate’s view. Cold bricks, meant to be of warm colour, reflect the Autumnal hues consuming the October light. The nearly naked tree, that stood once so proudly green, now shivering it’s remaining foliage to the paling grass below. The hungry gull, eager for a quick fix & dancing the tango for it’s stomach, fools the earth worm into believing the rain is heavier than it is, slurping them up vigorously like some stereotypical starving Italian who hasn’t seen spaghetti for an age. Just beyond him, a seldom single squirrel beavers away, hiding his cache for the Winter. The whole scene overcast by the half light of an unwilling afternoon, denying it’s viewers any glimpse of pure sun, filtering it all through it’s soft blanket of sodden & heavily laden clouds, so fat it is a miracle they do not fall to the ground, enticed by gravity. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2009/10/26/the-view-from-my-window-a-work-day-blog-7247491/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-08-23:/2008/08/23/my-beloved-blog-4627819/karenchesters2008-08-23T19:13:08+02:002008-08-23T19:13:08+02:00 <p>Oh how I have missed you these many months. I have neglected you beyond all reason. I have been so caught up in myself I forgot your needs are as great as my own. Forgive me, please. I will return to you soon, when the anger subsides, seaping out of my person allowing me once more to write on your pages of truth, lust, faith & desire. Forgive my lack of commitment to your cause, I shall be with you soon.......</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/08/23/my-beloved-blog-4627819/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-03-20:/2008/03/20/resentment-3909693/karenchesters2008-03-20T13:41:09+01:002008-03-20T13:41:09+01:00 <p>How can you tell if you're begining to resent the one person in your life that you really should be the most grateful to have? I know life hasn't treated me kindly over the last couple of years, my relationship has put alot of financial strain on me as well as alot of other problems, but I really hoped that I would stay kind & neutral to it all. I really hoped I would. I don't think I can any longer though. Things are so difficult. I've given up on telling him to get a job, coz it just doesn't make a difference. I've even given up on telling him he's got to move out coz I can't afford to keep us both on my one income. Nothing changes. Ever. I've been living this nightmare for two years. To begin with it was difficult but I got used to it & just let everything wash over my head. Emotionally detatching myself from the situation. It got easier to live with after a while because it just became the norm. But now, I am having to considder looking for work to keep us with a roof over our heads. I haven't worked due to ill health for nearly 6 years! So now I can feel that little hint of resentment seaping in through the seams of my being. Creaping its way through the brittle stitching that keeps me in one piece, that holds my skin together, that's stops the fragmentation of my whole self. It's poisening me, turning my blood black & my heart to stone with every cell it invades. I'm begining to go beyond not caring. I'm getting to anti-caring. Where I don't care about things any more but I care enough for it to start hurting me, damaging me & forcing me out of my comfort zone, forcing me to face the reality that, if things don't change, then I will have to change them. I see happy couples all the time, they fill the world with their happiness, smiles & melded forms from two to one. It just makes things harder. It makes me resent my situation even more. I was going to have a family with the man who is the root cause of all of this stress. Only recently did I come to my senses & decide that this was a bad idea right now. Since making that decision everything has changed in my mind about how much I can put up with, about how much longer I can or can't cope with this. I feel foolish now that I ignored my friends advice so many times, I was so infactuated & happy to be in love back then, that them trying to help me made them my enemies for a time. I feel trapped in my life, like I can't move forward, but I don't want to move back. How do you deal with that kind of thing? Do you stick to your guns & keep telling yourself that everything will be ok in the end? Or do you take action & put an end to it all? Does the fact that he owes you two years worth of bills, fuel, food, socialising & freedom influence your decision? Should you keep him til he's paid you back, or cut your losses & hope for the best? I just don't know. I hate myself for thinking this way, but I am young, fairly attractive, & I want to be able to make something of my life other than become a parent. I love my Mum, she's a great role model now, but for years all she ever did was be a mother & a wife. She had no sense of self, she gave up on her own life when she met my Dad. Things are different for her now, she has a life of her own & lifes it, I think, pretty much how she wants to, but for the first 18 years of her marriage she was the obidient little misses. I can't do that. I want more from my life. I want the opportunity to make a difference for myself & use my brain, it was quite a good one a few years ago before I fried it, but I think I could get it back into shape, if I tried. But how can I do that with the big STOP! sign that hovers infront of my eyes?????? Every time I try to take a step forward it blocks my move. It's like a game of chess where the whole board is jammed full on pieces infront of me, waiting to take me away as soon as I try to take a step. I hate it. I need it to stop. NOW!!!!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/resentment-3909693/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-02-29:/2008/02/29/the-29th-of-february-3796738/karenchesters2008-02-29T12:31:41+01:002008-02-29T12:31:41+01:00 <p>Today is one of those days, like Valentine's, when you get the opportunity to make things in your life a little better, a little easier to cope with & a little happier too. But this February 29th is not gona be like that for me. I've spent the last few months wondering whether I should propose to my boyfriend & I'd decided that I would. But things lately have been causing me to change my mind & last night was a prime example of that. I don't care if child birth <em>is </em>the most natural thing in the world, having some pyschotic doctor hack up your private parts with a pair of fucking scissors is not!!!!!!!!! You never hear the horror stories about giving birth, you only see the happy mums & dads after all the pain has gone away. No one ever tells you the truth of what it actually is. Oh & the term "involuntry anal expulsion" is not exactly gona rake in the numbers is it. It's only when you watch a birthing video that you actually get to really understand the horror that it really is. There's this woman with a babies head poking out & it's a bit on the stuck side so the doc litterally runs up to her with a pair of scissors & starts hacking away! Not cutting, hacking!!!!!!!!!!!!! My blokes sat there saying, oh isn't this marvelous, the most wonderful natural thing in the world & I'm sat there horrified by what I'm seeing. Why is it men always complain that women don't know what it's like to be kicked in the balls & they feel really hard done by it, but when it comes to pushing a bowling ball out of you chuff & going through hours & hours of agony & labour to have it all topped of by a gaping wound for a perinium, do they sit there & say "it's ok, it's perfectly natural"?????????????? Well fuck that I said! You try having someone cut you up in the middle of labour & see how you like it. It's not your fucking vagina that's got to stretch to 10 times it's normal size! It's not you that's gona shit themselves infront of about 10 doctors & I don't care if they have seen it all before. It's not you that could have there bits slashed to pieces coz the doc got a bit over zealous with the scissors, oh & by the way, they don't give you anything to numb the pain for that either! Watching that woman give birth & be violated by that doctor is the single most horrifying expereince of my life!!!!!!!! I mean, I never for one minute thought that giving birth would be all roses & fluffy bunnies & that it'd be over in no time, but I never imaginned it would be that horrible!!!! We've been trying for children for a year & a half now & now I want to give up!!!! How could I knowingly put myself through that much pain! Just thinking about it freaks the flying fuck out of me now & I don't think I'll ever get past it. It makes me feel sick, like I'd rather die than go through all of that. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I can't talk to my boyfriend about it coz he blatently doesn't understand & he's spent the whole morning feeling guilty & sorry for himself anyway. I need to talk to someone neutral about it. I'm gona find someone & off load & see what they say.<br>So this February 29th what am I gona do with my extra day? I'm going to town to avoid my man & maybe get absolutely fuck faced for the first time in about 4 years! I am not gona propose, I am not gona be around the house to spend time with a guy who thinks it's ok to let a doctor cut you up when you're already in excrusiating amounts of pain anyway. I am not gona tidy up like I said I would, I'm going out & I don't know or even care when I'm coming back at the moment, coz I'm so disgusted & horrified that I can't even look my bloke in the eye & tell him how I feel.<br>Happy 20 fuckin 9th everyone. Eat chocolate & get pissed, it's easier than everything else.  </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/02/29/the-29th-of-february-3796738/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-02-06:/2008/02/06/why_does~3688123/karenchesters2008-02-06T15:00:27+01:002008-02-06T15:00:27+01:00 <p>.....It take soooooooooo long for the things your waiting for to arrive? You could wait your entire life for one thing to happen & there's no guarentee it will. Love for example. That might never come along, or when it does it's with the wrong person, or the right person for the wrong reasons. Life is a very complicated thing. Especially when it comes to online shopping! Now I, like millions of others, have got a bit of a problem when it comes to internet shopping & even more so, auction sites. I've got a horrible addiction to ebay. I find things on there all the time that I know I could make great things out of, or would come in really handy, but when they get to the door & after they've been eagerly unwrapped, like so many Christmas presants, they just get pushed to one side to collect dust, given away or re-sold. Why is that? I mean, if you knew something was gona be a great idea when you came accross it, why is it so impractical once you get it out of its packaging? I guess some of it has to do with our "throw away" society attitude. Everything is expendable, whether it is or not. Maybe we're all just too materialistic....aaaaaaanyway, I'm wavering. Why does it take so long for things to arrive? Well, how can you be sure that the dodgey bloke you just bought that pink handbag (or something else) from actually posted it when he said he did? How do you know if the Royal Mail won't let you down, as it so regularly does. "Oh I'm sorry sir/madam, it must have been misplaced, lost, stolen or given to the posties dog for breakfast" But even worse than Royal Mail are companies like ParcelForce or City Link. They tell you they have brilliant services that take 24 or 48 hours guarenteed delivery, but they're talking out of their bum holes really, coz they just want your business, your hard earned pennies. They sit there, kissing your ass telling you this that & the other "Oh yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" but what they're really thinking is, "Mmmmmmmmonay!!!!!!!!!!!" Only out to fill their own pockets for as little effort on their part as possible. Bastards. They never deliver anything on time. I'm still waiting for my parcel you sons of bitches!!!! Hurry up & get it to my door, or I'll be punching your delivery driver in the mouth & asking him to pass it on to the first manager he sees after leaving my door step. I mean, it's not that difficult really. Get parcel, put it on van, drive van to destination, get parcel out of van, walk to front door, knock on it & ask for a signature. A blind, deaf & dumb monkey could do a better job of it!!!!!!!! Get a move on you slackers & if it's broken I'll come find the tosser who threw it on the van & spit in his face......... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/02/06/why_does~3688123/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-01-25:/2008/01/25/at_last~3630612/karenchesters2008-01-25T13:44:47+01:002008-01-25T13:48:09+01:00 <p>Justice has been served. To a degree. Lee, that nasty brother I was telling you all about, went to court today. I didn't get to see his face when the judge gave him his verdict, but I can quite happily imagine the look on it was one of great shock & injustice. I would have loved to have stood there infront of him at that moment & said "Hah!" & "Hah!" again. Just to rile him up a bit more as the final realisation of the fact that he was going down! Very down! hit him in the face <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> He's been given 2 years, with a minimum compulsory term of 18 months. Admitedly, the whole family I think would have loved for him to have been given a longer sentence, but beggers can't be chosers & lets face it, at least he's out of the way & our lives can return to some kind of normality. At last. He deserved what he got, but he still didn't get what he deserves! A small amount of faith has been restored to the justice system of this country for me & my family. Thank you Judge <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/01/25/at_last~3630612/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-01-21:/2008/01/21/old_friends_aamp_old_memories~3609453/karenchesters2008-01-21T14:14:18+01:002008-01-21T14:14:18+01:00 <p>It's funny the things your brain does to you when it decides to take a trip down memory lane. I often find myself reflecting on times past, the fond memories as well as the painful. I don't know if it's because I have an insecurity about placing steps into my own future, or simply because the past is comfortable because I've already lived through it. Either way, I found myself wandering through the misty paths of times gone & vivid recollections of the things I have done thrust themselves in to the foreground of my mind, as if exploding from the fog they came, thick & fast. Why this time, this day I have no idea, but there they were bombardeing my senses like a riot stampeeding to the front of my brain. The days when being young seemed to be the worst injustice in the world, those days when all I wanted to be was an adult & I had no idea I was wasting my adolescence. Head strong, full of blind determination & sure, so sure of myself & what I wanted, that I never thought it possible I would tread another path to the one I had chosen for myself. Those days, so very far away now, of bike rides at weekends in the hight of summer, to the wet & windy walks through Ironbridge without a care for the rain or even in the world. Nothing phased me in those days. I had my friends, whom I thought I would never lose no matter what, I knew where I was going in my life & everything was going well. I had no cause to feel sad or depressed as I remember, but rose tinted lenses will always enhance the past out of what it truely was. The rain, that rain, I remeber that day as if it were yesterday. It is so clear when I think on it. Marching up & down the sodden streets, jumping in the puddles, all the puddles, the bigger the better. We were so wet anyway that we cared little for the flu like consequences of our actions. Singing at the tops of our voices. roud that we knew all the words & caring little for those who were as insane as us & walked the opposite path, staring at us from under thier brollies & hoods, the water dripping off every part of them, cold & heavy. They must have thought us quite uneven, but who were we to care! We did not need to read minds to understand what they thought of us, but we cared not. Passion of youth kept us warm & happy on that day. The rain beat down on us, heavier than I think we had seen it that year, but we spared no second thought for ourselves other than our enjoyment of that moment. An intimate flicker of innoscense that we would soon lose through the process of time. How I miss that day. How I long to go back there & re-live that one moment, just for a second, just to remember how it felt to be able to take life for granted & care little for the results. Youth, that most fragile of times lasts longer than we want it to when we are living through it, but once it's passed it seems to have abandonned us far to quickly. Flying away from us, desperate to leave our sides, draggin itself away from our clawing fingers as we fruitlessly try to keep a grip on it, denying ourselves our maturity for as long as possible. Change happens to us all in the end, there is no way to avoid it. Innoscense stripped from its owner, never to return & given to another who has entered this world after us. A never ending cicle, pattern of events. But oh the memories.....they are worth a life time of youth. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/01/21/old_friends_aamp_old_memories~3609453/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2008-01-17:/2008/01/17/will_2008_be_my_year~3592142/karenchesters2008-01-17T19:16:12+01:002008-01-17T19:30:46+01:00 <p>Well, it certainly has been some time since I visited my blogs & even longer since I added to them, so I thought I'd take heed of this time for reflection & forward thinking & use it to put some words down. </p> <p>I remember so well about 12 months ago, the start of 07, saying to myself & to my partner, "this is our year!" I was so sure that things couldn't have been worse than 2006. Goodness that seems such an age away now doesn't it. Well, it turned out, that after a struggle in 06, that 07 would prove even more problematic & troublesome. One problem after another rolled through my life. My partner has been out of work for over a year, so I've been supporting us both on my very small income the entire time, placing me into debt & practically ruining me financially. I had planned to buy my house this year, but that will have to wait another couple of years now as I just can't afford it. Last year steadily grew in horrific intensity until the heavens opened on Christmas Eve & threw a lifetimes worth of rubbish on our doorstep. But before I get to that I must go back to my original thought. I found myself again, this New Year telling myself, this year is my year, our year, at least a good year. That we'd make our own luck & not just wait for that lovey illusive & lofty lady to bring it to us. I'm sure it's a ritual that millions of us go through each passing 31st December. We all make idle promises to ourselves. We sit back in our chairs after Big Ben has finished his deafening chorous & our drunken & blurry O'le Langs Eyne (or whatever it's called) & shaking of hands has passed, & we tell ourselves things can only get better. They can't get any worse. We convince ourselves that our lives & times are about to change for the better & I think that at some point or another we actually believe that. Until the reality of New Years Day's hangovers hit us full in the face when we wake. Those dubilant spirits that were so high the night before now want to die, crawl back into the warm & comforting bed we've just risen from, even if our pillows are stained with alcoholic drool that has leaked from our mouths in our unconscious state. So, is 2008 the year when everything will finally change for the better? So far, it seems not. </p> <p>So back to Christmas Eve, to begin with it was going very well. Myself & my partner were in Coventry & out with a couple of our good friends driving around to find a pub to have a celebratory drink in. However, we found there was no room in the Inn, well that Inn's carpark that is. Everywhere was rammed solid & I'm sure that was a national issue that night. Anyway, after driving around for an hour we finally found a parking space & we went to the bar & ordered our drinks. But no sooner had we decided what table to sit at that we received a phone call telling us it was extremely important that we got back to the house as soon as possible. So we ditched our drinks that we'd not even had a sip out of & threw ourselves back in the car & off we went. We got to the house about 20 minutes later to find 7 police officers in the front room, the front room window smashed through, glass was everywhere & the windscreen on my father-in-laws car also smashed through. My mother-in-law was in floods of tears, as was her daughter. Both the parents were smoking, which was worrying coz they'd both quit last year. It transpired that thier adopted son Lee, who has caused no end of issues with the family, had come to the door asking for money & when he was told no, he lost it & trashed everything he could. He'd actually thrown a 20kg plant pot through the front window whilst my f-in-law was stood next to it. Luckily he avoided any flying glass & wasn't imediately hurt. The police stayed with us for two hours to get statements. Lee had been caught in the ouse next door & taken to the local police station. So we knew that once the window was borded up that we'd at least be able to try & get some sleep, not that many of us managed that. We were all in a complete state of shock, none of us knew what to say to comfort the other, or even ourselves. So we filtered to bed one by one until the house was still. We woke Christmas morning with a sense of forboding, but we knew we had to make the best of our bad situation. We enjoyed our day the best we could & the next day my partner & I travelled to my parents to stay with them for two days before we went back to Cov. Whilst we were at my parents, the car broke down & we had to pay to have it towed to Coventry, where it stayed for another two weeks before we could afford to fix it. Once we got back to Coventry in one piece things seemed to be a little more positive. The house was in a better state of repair, as was the windscreen on my f-in-laws car. However, the peace didn't last long. We found out, quite by accident, that my f-in-law had had a heart attack over Christmas. I knew he'd taken his spray on Christmas Eve night, but I hadn't thought any more of it & neither had anyone else. But after an ECG before he was due to have his knee surgury the doctors discovered an irregular heartbeat & couldn't opperate. They decided to keep him in hospital over the weekend as well to keep an eye on him. They let him out on the Monday thankfully & he was given an appointment to see a specialist at the end of the month. I think they'll be fitting him with a pace maker some time soon. I just couldn't believe everything that had happened, all of it crammed into the space of a week! The one week in the whole year when things are supposed to be magical & peaceful & the world is supposed to be full of joy & happiness. We had been raped of our Merry Christmas & our Happy New Year. The only good news we'd had was that Lee had been remanded in custody until the 25th January when he would be appearing in Crown Court for sentencing. I hope they throw away the key this time. It's the third time he's been on remand & he was given a suspended sentence last time, so they gota put him away this time surely? I know people who've been to prison for less than he's put his family through over the last few years!!!!</p> <p>We finally made it home to Wales on the 8th of January, a whole week later than we'd intended, but with a broken car & everything else, it came as no suprise to me that we were delayed in coming home. I was so glad to get back to my house & my own bed that I nearly cried & anyone who knows me knows I hate my house & the street I live on, but right then in that moment when I stepped through the door & realised everything was ok here, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed & I found a little bit of peace in my mad life. But the inner tranquility didn't stay with me for long. Shock. Things are gradually getting more & more stressful here for us. Gareth still hasn't managed to have a re-test for his Class1 HGV, Driver Training Wales messed him around a bit coz they're footing the bill. On his original test, the friday before Christmas, the lorry broke down & he wasn't able to complete the test. Still hopefully Saturday will go well for him. I have complete confidence in his abilities, I just wish he was a little more self-assured at times. Also, other things have gone wrong too. Our beautiful dog Echo has been really poorly. She stopped eating just after Christmas & lost about half her body weight, but she's on the mend now, so that's a good sign. The car is on it's last legs I think. We replaced the alternator, coz that's why we broke down, but now the radiator & the air mass meter are broken too. My income has been cut in half & Gareth still has no job. Oh yeah & the hospital here lost my extremely crucial blood test results, meaning that my appointment at the firtility clinic has to be delayed until after my next cycle, which could be two or three months depending on how well my ovaries decide to work this month.  </p> <p>I just can't believe how much fate has been twisting the knife in my side, our whole families sides. A new year is supposed to bring new hope & new life. Not reguritate old hurts & build on a solid foundation of crap with more shit. I've told myself & my partner this year will be different, it will be better, but lets face it, it looks as though I'm fighting a losing battle there doesn't it. There's only so much positive thinking you can do when life throws you curve balls all the time. I know it's an old cliche, but telling yourself "When life gives you lemons you should make lemonade" can only work so much. Rising fuel & food shopping costs coupled with a reduction in income means that not only do we feel beaten into submission by life itself, but also "the man" as well. I've prayed, I tried relaxation techniques, I've been looking for work, I've cut down my spending. But at the rate I'm going, my household essencial bills are gona be more than enough to put me in an early grave, or the loony bin! I swear I can feel myself going a little more insane each day. Everytime something goes wrong a bit of my brain burns out & switches off, permentantly. I can feel it shutting down & I can't see a way through to the end of this tunnel of doom. I don't know if I'll ever reach the light & if I have to make much more lemonade all my teeth will fall out due to sugar consumption. I'm struggling, I really am. Last year I took it all with a pinch of salt, letting alot of it go over my head so it didn't bog me down. But I've put up with over 14 months worth of crap now & I don't have the tollerance for any more. I just don't. So what happens next? Will my PMA (positive mental attitude) campaign win the day & make things brighter tomorrow? Who knows. But what I do know is this, if I don't stay positive, if I don't tell myself things have to get better & that they will, then they won't. At least if I believe, convince myself completely, then there's a chance I can make things change. I don't know anyone who spent thier life sat on thier ass doing nothing, that achieved something worth while. </p> <p>Maybe on the 31st of December this year I'll be able to turn & face the man I love & say, "See I told you things could only get better. This year really was our year!" I'd love to be able to say those words & mean them & believe them with every fibre of my being. How far can PMA carry you? I'll tell you, next year. But until then, I hope that all of you have had a better Christmas & start to this new year than myself & my partner. I hope 2008 brings you joy & happiness & the peace of knowing that things could definately have been worse.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2008/01/17/will_2008_be_my_year~3592142/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-07-01:/2007/07/01/fuck_you_all~2554135/karenchesters2007-07-01T19:59:16+02:002007-07-01T19:59:16+02:00 <p>It really hurts, when my friends tell me my boyfriend is a sponge & a waster. Yes, I accept the fact that things aren't perfect, I accepted that a long time ago, but he does not take advantage of me & I do not let him think that for even one minute that he can. Ok he doesn't have a job, he hasn't had one for a while & things financially are, shall we say, a wreck. BUT it does not gve you all the right to tell me I'm acting like an idiot by supporting him! Ok there are times when I've wanted to just stop & go back to how things used to be before all this money trouble. I even threatened to kick him out if he didn't get his act together. He may wish on some subconscious level to be mothered it's true, BUT he is the kindest most generous & loving man I've ever had in my life & more than I deserve after some of the things I've done. It hurts me so badly that you people, the ones who "care" (in your own words) can't see past the outside of the picture. You don't know what a real relationship is, what real love is, you're all too busy being young & naieve & self absorbed. What would you do if you were me??? Would you really give up on the person you loved with every fibre of your being, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, all on the basis of a few short months in what could potencially be a lifetime together? Are you really so self pittying that you couldn't weather the storm & see just one thing through in your life with conviction & dignity?! You, who are consumed with gossip & what's best for you, not once did you stop to think that someone elses feelings, besides your own, are involved here! His feelings & mine. Would it not bother you to learn that the world viewed you as a loser when all you are trying to do is better yourself? What good is a job in Mc Fucking Donnalds if it doesn't even fix the short term problems, let alone the long term ones!!!!! Did you ever once think how you would feel if you found this all directed at you? Am I such a poor judge of character, so untrustworthy with my own life, that none of you can see that I know what I'm doing? You don't know the conversations we have, in the depths of the nght when we can't sleep because of the stress, or the worry. You don't see or hear the feelings cried into our pillows, or each others shoulders. The hopes & dreams that we thought, this time, might come true, only to be thrashed down by another pointless interview. You can't see how much it hurts him to have to live the way we do, how much he wants to change that & be financially supportive as well as emotionally & physically. He tries, every day, to make things easier & all you do is critisize! How do you expect him to improve if all you bastards do is put him down & put my attempts to help him on his way down too? You're narrow minded & selfish. I'm sat here, in tears because you think the worst of him & thus me. This is the man I will marry & have a family with, the man I will make my life with, the man I love & not one of you has ever wished me luck or said you're happy for me, not one of you! Yes this may sound like the ramblings of a pathetic attempt to make you all see sense & my efforts will probabley be in vain. But remember this & ponder on it if you will, standing on a snail & crushing it's shell does not make a free slug, it just crushes the snail. If you knock him back & down a peg whenever you get chance, how will he ever make himself more than he is? You're cold hearted & callous & you should look closer to yourselves for your own failings before you comment on other peoples. You have no right to judge him if you cannot judge yourself my so-called friends. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/07/01/fuck_you_all~2554135/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-06-15:/2007/06/15/abbey_s_cunning_plan~2455364/karenchesters2007-06-15T03:21:08+02:002007-06-15T03:21:08+02:00 <p>I'm sure the bank is upto someting fishy...<br>I, like the majority of unhappy bank customers in the UK right now, am in the process of claiming back all the charges over the last few years that my account has incurred through one means or another.<br>I sent all the appropriate, calm & respectful letters, & shock horror, received little help from anyone I spoke to, bar one lad in the Customer Services Dept who thought I'd been taken for a ride & got the ball rolling, which was really sweet even if it was 3 weeks too late. It got to the point where Abbey was no longer speaking to me. I got one letter telling me it would take them a further 8 weeks to perform a full investigation. I had given them 14 days!!! I told them a second time they had 14 days to come to some kind of arrangement. On the 14th day, after no response<em> again</em>, I processed the scarey court papers I told them I would, claiming back my charges, interest & court fees. Two days after I did this I received another letter from the bank. This one told me they appologised for the delay in sorting out my issue, but that they still needed a further 8 weeks. By law they only have 8 weeks in total to sort this kind of problem out. They even, & this is really nice, enclosed a leaflet for the Financial Ombudsmen, the body who's job it is to sort things out like this for free, even if it takes well over thier 6 MONTH projected time span!!! Needless to say, this letter & my court papers crossed paths in the mail. T he he. <br>Today I checked my bank balance, as I have done every day since registering my complaint officially. I was shocked & pleased (for a few seconds) to see my balance was a full £450 higher than it had been the day before. I investigated further to see where this extra income had appeared from. A nice list of 13 bank charge refunds met my eyes. Sweet! I thought, but then the truth of the matter hit me full in the face. That was less than a third of what I am owed!!! "Where's the rest!" I shouted at the computer screen. I wanted to call the bank & give them a piece of my mind, I refrained. I rang my sister (the lawyer) instead. We decided it was best not to touch the money. Not even to move it from that account to another, incase it was an offer of repayment & that by acting on that money I was accepting it as full payment for what I'm owed. NO WAY in the world is that going to happen!!! So, with no letter of explanation as to why they only gave me the amount they did, or why they have given that amount to me, it stays there idle & immobile. I cannot touch it. If a letter turns up in the morning I'll be intreagued as to what it has to say for itself. No letter in the morning, what do I do? I would be tempted to call the bank. Maybe I should. What is the reason for a parcial payment anyway? They'd have been better off giving me nothing at all at this point, because by bribing me (well that's what it feels like) they're admitting that I am entitled to the money I've requested from them, but that they just don't want to give it to me. Well, cough up Abbey I do not accept your pitiful offer of less than a third of what you owe me! How dare you insult my intelligence with your meaningless gesture of "good will" blah blah blah. I'm not stupid, I know my rights, so be prepared for a battle if you wish!!!!! Mwha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!!!!!  </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/abbey_s_cunning_plan~2455364/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-06-12:/2007/06/13/bakery_lessons_are_confusing~2442842/karenchesters2007-06-13T00:29:32+02:002007-06-13T00:29:32+02:00 <p>I'd like to say things went well at the hospital today, but I'm still so confused by the the whole thing that I'm just not sure. I know that sounds really daft, but I just had so much to take in, take this pill then, that pill at such & such time & do this that & the other, oh & take folic acid & have intercourse on alternate days etc. That's not even a 10th of the information I was given. I've been put on the waiting list for a second laperoscopy, I had one in 2001 but for a different reason than this time, also I'm waiting for a scan. It could be six months before I get to the top of the list though, but I'm on short notice, so they could call me at any time they like really between now & Christmas. God it's only June & I just said Christmas. Scarey! <br>Anyway, as I was saying, I've been given three different types of pills to take. The first is to force my body into a cycle. This should take effect in the next week or so with any luck. The second set are Metphormin, this is to level out my insulin problem which is an assosiated issue of PCOS. The third set are Chlomid, this forces the body to continue ovulating when it is supposed to & not once a year as I do now, so that we will get pregnant. With any degree of luck we should be baking within the next 4 months. But it's not an open shut case. As well as taking all these tablets I also have to take folic acid, obvious really, but I hadn't thought of it. I also have to have "day 21" blood tests done over the next two months to check I am ovulating as I'm supposed to be. If I'm not then my dose of Chlomid will be upped. It's all really complicated & I don't think I've even gone over half of what the doc said today, but the good news was that Gareth's zinc intake has had the desired effect, so IVF may not be neccessary now coz he's outperforming his past results. <br>This whole situation is so confusing & its really difficult to absorb everything in one go. But I think once I'm in the swing of things medication wise, everything else will fall into place. So, without getting our hopes up & without sounding too prosumptuous, watch this space for happy news in the not too distant future (with any luck) <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/06/13/bakery_lessons_are_confusing~2442842/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-06-08:/2007/06/08/my_mini_adventure~2414238/karenchesters2007-06-08T01:05:02+02:002007-06-08T01:05:02+02:00 <p>Yesterday was a great day! Even if I was skint after it all. Anyway, I paid my bills like a good little girl & I did all my food shopping & I even made it to team practice in the night (for pool), although half the team did not. Gareth & I made it to Surrey & back as well. It took 8 hours in total, but it was well worth it. We went on a 460 mile round trip to pick up my ace scooter <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> It's a 1970s vespa style Honda. A true Japanese import jobby though. The thing isn't even registered in the UK. The guy I bought it off has had it three years & let it continue to rust etc. So it's mine & Gareth's summer restoration project. It's the first attempt by both of us to do up a bike, we've both worked on cars before. Gareth's favourite was the Opel Manta. He is still devestated that he got rid of it. But I'm sure he'll find another one somewhere along the line. I love this little scooter, well I say little, it's bigger than I expected it to be. It cost me £55. Bargain. We're keeping it in the kitchen at the moment, so the kids on the street don't try to pinch it or wreck it. A good plan it was too, until the fooking dog got hold of it earlier!!!! She decided that, because it's taking up a bit of her space, she'd eat all the original honda tact badges off the panels. Demolished them she did!!!!! I was NOT impressed. I don't think I'll ever be able to replace them either. I'm heart broken & the dog is banished to her cage for the night. This could very well be the last straw in a very long line of destructive behaviour for her. I thought we had made huge progress with her lack of respect for things & eating stuff she shouldn't. Like my trainers, sofa, scooter etc, but I was wrong & she is once again on the verge of being rehomed. I've backed down on this point several times over the last few months, but today has really taken the biscuit & I'm not going to let her off easy. She's getting the cold shoulder that's for sure. She stresses me out so much, I just don't know if I can cope with it any more. We'll just have to wait & see. If she stays, she's a very lucky dog indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/06/08/my_mini_adventure~2414238/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-06-05:/2007/06/05/tomorrow_i_will_be~2399461/karenchesters2007-06-05T16:44:36+02:002007-06-05T16:44:36+02:00 <p>.....financially comfortable for about 5 seconds. </p> <p>Hard to believe, but it's true. I get around £300 tomorrow, I'm over drawn by £17 at the moment & I have £240 worth of bills to pay for as soon as I wake up. If not, I'll have no water, no internet, I won't be going to pick up my lovely crappy little scooter from Banstead in Surrey & I'll have bailiffs at the door no doubt. What a wonderful world. Still, I'm not going to be skint for long. I've started this new debt recovery regime. One of my own design, not one from some anckle snapping company that tell you they're doing you a favour, when in actual fact they are just screwing you over ever so slightly more with each passing day. Debt Free Direct my arse!!! I did get in touch with one of those companies not so long ago, to see if they could help me out. I gave the guy a list of my income & all my out goings. He was totally useless & didn't understand a word I was telling him. Anyway, in the end they sent me one of those "no obligation" statement thingies that tell you if you sell your soul to them & give them every penny you earn, you'll be debt free in 5 years. Well that's all nice & lovely & I appriciated the help, until I realised that by giving them the amount of money they were asking for (about 95% of my monthly income) I'd be even more financially ruinned than I already was!!! I mean, I can't guarentee my house phone bill will be under £25 every month, or that my mobile bill will be under £30 every month for the next 5 years, or that the rate of Tesco's personal inflation won't increase my food shopping bill beyond the £30 I try to stick to at the moment. Freedom of debt is not worth your soul trust me. <br>Anyway, as I was saying, before I ranted off on one. I've started my own personal debt recovery regime. I've decided to dig out all the small debts, the ones under £200 & pay them off one by one in 3 payments each. This gets them out of the way & off my mind. The only problem is, while this is a nice idea, it doesn't leave me that much money to play around with in the mean time. But, it's only in the very short term. By August I will have paid off most if not all of my puny debts, which means I'll just be left with the big ugly ones. But it'll be on my terms &<em> that</em> makes everything easier for me. No sleepless nights or endless headaches. A very pleasant change from the norm.<br>So, yes I'm a bit pissed off that I didn't realise quite how horrificaly I was shafting myself up my own arse financially for the next few weeks, but, it's only for a few weeks. If I tell myself that, then I will get it all sorted & it'll be out of the way in no time. Which means I'll have more free money in the long run, which means I'll be able to do more shopping for random crap I don't need, which means I'll be happier all round. Che ching!!! Sweet <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">   </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/06/05/tomorrow_i_will_be~2399461/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-06-03:/2007/06/03/the_next_step~2382930/karenchesters2007-06-03T01:16:26+02:002007-06-03T01:16:26+02:00 <p>Stage two of a very scarey process is about to enter my life soon. We (Gareth & I) have our second bakery lesson, as I call it, on the 12th. I'll explain, bakery lesson, bun in the oven, trying for a baby...got it? Anyway, we had our first appointment about this three months ago & it's been a long & stressful time waiting for this next one. Gareth's 100% sure we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby, he's definately not the worrier in our relationship that's for sure. I'm filled with a sense of dread half the time & the rest of the time I'm really excited. It confuses me, so many emotions surrounding the possibility of becoming a parent. I guess the thing that makes it hardist is the fact that we have to plan every little thing in order for it to happen, because I have fertility issues. It's ok for the majority of women, it just happens upon them, not even planned most of the time & they just get on with it. I see some of those people, teenage mum's, druggies, abusive & unkind people, they pop sprogs coz they can't be arsed to use protection. They probabley never wanted thier kids when they had them, but they've ended up as parents. I feel so infuriated by them & thier lack of care or awareness & wonder if thier children really have the life they deserve. Jealousy I guess it what causes me to burn up on the inside when it comes to the lucky ones who don't have to try. I was talking to one of the ladies on my Pool Team not too long ago about kids. She told me how she & her husband tried for 6 weeks without joy for thier first child & that they felt for sure they would need to see the doctor about it. How they worried it would never happen & they would be a childless couple. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't stop myself. I actually laughed at her. Cruel I know, but it wasn't because I thought what she said was funny, it was because I knew she had no idea what trying actually felt like. "Six weeks" I said, "we've been trying for a year with no joy" After that she didn't know what to say to me & just clammed up & walked away. I don't know if it was pity or just shock that made her do that, but we've never really shared words since. A shame coz she's a nice lady. I think she feels sorry for me.<br>I know what you're thinking, if you've been trying for a year why are you so worried about it all, this is obviously what you want. Yes it is what we want, but when you have the time to think it over again & again, you have the time to find doubts & uncertainty. It's frightening to think that you're going to bring another person into this world, defenseless, naked, it's whole life of unspeakable truths ahead of it. But at the same time, this person will be the most beautiful thing to you in the whole world & to see him or her cry just once will be enough to break your heart into a million pieces. You have time to wonder why it is you want this child, if your reasons are the right ones, or if indeed there is a right reason. I went to see a family planning nurse some years ago, when I was younger & I'd just been told I couldn't have children. I desperately wanted to prove I could & I wanted a baby more than anything. The nurse questioned why I wanted a child. I told her I couldn't explain why, but it was something that I knew would make my life complete. She told me I was selfish. That I wanted a child for my own means & not for the right reasons. That I was not ready to be a mother & that if I had a child then I would be a terrible mother. I know in my heart of hearts she was doing the right thing, talking me out of it. Admittedly I can look back & see it was not the right time & it would have been a mistake, but it still makes me question my motives now. Am I still being selfish, or am I, we, wanting a family of our own for the right reasons. Right & wrong. Now or later. Is it a now or never situation as my friend Gwilym put it lastnight? If we don't do this now, will we ever have another chance & is the uncertainty around that forcing us to act? Is now rather than never the only reason we are going ahead with this? I don't think so, but I know it plays on my mind constantly. <br>I see pregnant women & pine for a fat stomach. I see babies in thier prams & feel instantly broody. I know I want a child, I know Gareth wants a child too & I know we want to have that child together. I'm just nervous I guess. Time is a scarey thing coz it gives you time to question yourself. Things will turn right in the end I know they will, I just need to relax a bit more. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/06/03/the_next_step~2382930/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-19:/2007/05/19/morals_hmmmmm~2298084/karenchesters2007-05-19T17:23:55+02:002007-05-19T17:23:55+02:00 <p>When is it acceptable to do the right/wrong/right thing??? An interesting question me thinks. <br>You see, when "brotherly" love is not extended to you for a very long period of time (5 years) & you are subjected to all kinds of abuse, verbal, physical & mental (long story) you eventually, <br>get a little fed up with things yes? <strong>Yes</strong>! So I've sort of been having a bit of a think about the right thing to do. Hence the right/wrong/right situation. <br>If you had been subjected to all kinds of harassment, not that I can prove any of it or anything, for the 5 years I have & you've had to endure it all, eventually things get a little hellish shall we say. You're sick of being bitten by the baddy, so you entertain the idea of biting back. It becomes a pleasurable passtime. Your mind indulging itself in your darkest & most evil get your own back fantisies. The wicked grin of potencial freedom creeps accross your mouth without you even realising it. Your massarcistic side running free(ish) &, left unattended so to speak, hatching <br>plan of action after plan of action. Until eventually you are presented with the perfect opportunity, handed to you on a silver platter almost, by the <em>very</em> people who have caused you to plan so sneakily & quietly. You can't believe your luck! Yet you know it's a risky plan. Paranoia kicks in. Can they <em>really</em> catch on to what you're going to do, can they prove it was you, or is guessing enough? Will things get better or worse? Will your moment of sweet sweet victory be so short lived? Is it worth it.....yes <em>yes</em> <strong>yes</strong>!!!! Damn it it's worth it!!! I know I've got one back at them! <br>I've done my bit for society & revenge. Ha ha ha haaaaa <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> <br>So, I'll explain a little more shall I? I'll give you an example, not the same situation exactly, but one similar in moral dilema. If someone you didn't like was cheating the system, say for benefits (I stress again this is <strong>not</strong> the same as what's happened with this situation) & said person had been a total twat to you for ages & ages & ages, & you happened to find out said person was screwing the system, would you take your personal grudge out on them by reporting them? Therefore screwing them over, gaining your revenge (sweet sweet sweet revenge) & putting things right for the system & society? Hmmm right/wrong/right thing to do. Well I know what <em>I'd</em> do, but trust me, it's a revenge well worth having. T he he <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/19/morals_hmmmmm~2298084/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-18:/2007/05/18/today_i_made~2291779/karenchesters2007-05-18T13:12:32+02:002007-05-18T13:12:32+02:00 <p>.....a friend. Nice. I like friends. They make life interesting don't they. They can tell you when you're right or wrong (whether you listen or not) & tell you honestly "Yes your bum <em>does</em> look big in that." They send you little notes or texts when you don't have time to talk, or emails or comments on your profiles & blogs. They tell you they give a shit & they <em>actually</em> do. It's nice to know that someone out there isn't too scared, or intimidated, to tell you what they really think of you, whether it be good or bad. They accept you for you faults & failings just as easily as you accept them for thiers. I like that. Comfortable knowing that if you were making a twat of yourself, they would tell you without hessitation. I like that too. So thank you friend for accepting me, my faults & my failings, for not caring whether I'm a size 0 or a size 20+, for not giving a damn whether I've put on my make-up or washed my hair, or even for being bothered by the dirty stain on my top. Thank you for seeing me inside myself & not what everyone else sees. Thank you for looking beyond my defense mechanisms & my big mouth & my stupid side. You're a real person, so you see the real people around you, not the fakes, the lies & falsehoods that some people try to be. Thank you dearest friend, thank you for seeing me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/18/today_i_made~2291779/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-17:/2007/05/18/bummer~2289570/karenchesters2007-05-18T00:52:13+02:002007-05-18T00:52:13+02:00 <p>Bit disapointed this evening. Nothing major has happened or anything, just bit upset that my County match has been cancelled for this weekend. I was really looking forward to it. I'm not on top playing form this week or anything, but I always feel more positive about my game after a county match. They're hard work & take alot of mental power, especially with all the rules we have to follow, even to the dress code! Silly I know, but it's a game in a high competition & professional level to a degree, so you have to look the part. Still, I've got a match on Monday night which is nice, I enjoy league as much as I enjoy county, I'd just rather miss out the doubles games coz I hate them. They totally ruin your stride you know, stops you playing the game the way you want to when you have to consult your partner. Mind you, if me & Spaz are put together again then we don't really need to talk too much coz our style of play is very similar, it's like an unspoken communication between us. Kinda cool but wierd at times. Lol. Not sure what I'd do without my pool. I think I'd have a very tidy house at least, coz I'd have nothing else to do other than tidy. Lol. I have the rest of my life to tidy, all I wana do at the moment is concentrate on my game & get onto the Welsh Internationls Team <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/18/bummer~2289570/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-17:/2007/05/17/title~2286213/karenchesters2007-05-17T13:29:25+02:002007-05-18T00:54:01+02:00 <p>Hello everyone. <br>I need your help. No don't click off the page, it's real easy & I'll love you forever if you can do this for me. <br>My other half Gareth needs a photo of a TAX DISC & OPERATORS LICENCE from a lorry. It doesn't matter how big the lorry is, as long as it's a Brittish one, sorry. Both the discs are displayed in the front window of the cab, they should be right next to each other. It's so he can finish his NVQ & learn to drive lorries himself. <br>So please please please help me do this & grab your mobile phones & take a quick, but clear picture of the discs & message them or email them to me as soon as you can.<br>Lets make a game of it. The more pics the merrier, plus I want to see just how many people pay attention these days <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"><br>You're my superstars & I love you all. This is really important ok.<br>Love n hugs<br>Karen xXx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/17/title~2286213/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-17:/2007/05/17/just_sit_back_aamp_relax~2286152/karenchesters2007-05-17T13:20:19+02:002007-05-17T13:20:19+02:00 <p>Isn't it amazing? You ask for help &, dun dun duuuuuuuun!!! You get none. Shock horror! I don't know if it's because people don't read bulletins any more, or even if they have this "someone else will do it" attitude, or even a "why should I help you & what will I get out of it" attitude. I just find it really disheartening. Disapointing. It's like people don't want to help others at all any more. You ask someone a favour that will take maybe, I don't know 5 minutes out of thier day, 10 max, & all you get is a big fat "you have to be kidding" or "no chance". Well that's just charming isn't it. If someone asks me a favour I generally bend over backwards to help out. The world has just got lazy I tell you. It's a shame, because the human race is, without a doubt, the most incredible tool & invention ever. We just don't use it any more. We all sit there on our asses doing fuck all coz it's easier. Nice one people, very smooth. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/17/just_sit_back_aamp_relax~2286152/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:karenchesters.blog.co.uk,2007-05-15:/2007/05/15/ventation_mickation~2274325/karenchesters2007-05-15T14:36:34+02:002007-05-15T14:36:34+02:00 <p>It's that time of the week again....Karen's rant <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/grayupset.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="22"></p> <p>Things could be better you know. I suppose they could be alot worse. Well they could be a bit worse, but not by that much. I've had the most financially draining 3 weeks of my life! Worse than Christmas!!! & we all know how bad that can be!!! Every penny I've had has been put into going to & from Coventry to visit family & do family things. Petrol, food, meals out, birthday presants, Gareth's car insurance TWICE, this isn't including all the mundane things you have to pay for outside of all these like bills. Gas, electric, mobile phone bill, house phone bill, food shopping & everything else that I have to fork out for every week. I'm screwed!!!! I'm so financially fucked that even my PayPal account is overdrawn! I didn't even know that was possible!!!!!!!!!! I've had 8 purchases from ebay that have been sent to me & the bank has declined payment over TWO WEEKS LATER!!!!! I'm now overdrawn in my current account, I have no savings to cover the loss & PayPal wants me to recover my account with them & I have to pay for the items that have been declined by the bank. I don't get paid for another 10 days & my motorbike direct debit was reversed because Abbey are a bunch of cunts. So that's another £100 I've gota pay out next week. Brilliant. I feel totally lost. Drowning in life & it's responsibilities. Suffocated by the poisenous smog that are the financial burdens in my life. I'm just glad I don't have a mortegage otherwise I'd be homeless by now. Do you know what the literal translation is of Mortegage? Death Debt. Or a debt for life, or it could be seen as a debt that will be the end of you. Wow that really inspires me to go out & buy a frickin house!!!! <br>I'm waiting for my bank to give me back all the "unlawful charges" I've paid over the last couple of years. It's nealry £1,500! Funny isn't it how the banks are more than willing to take money off you left right & centre, but when it comes to admitting fault & giving back to you the money you rightfully deserve they bimble around & make excuse after excuse & in the end they hope you'll get bored of waiting & let them get away with it. They should have paid out to me by now & if they had I'd be fine. But they haven't & what's more they've told me it's going to take them a full 40 days to properly investigate the situation. What a load of bullshit! They're just gona sit on thier asses & do nothing for 40 days & then tell me I'm not getting a penny from them. Well screw them I'm taking those f*ckers to court!!!!!<br>I used to have a fantastic degree of financial independance you know. I've always had alot of debts, but I could afford to live & even enjoy a bit of my money. But for the last 7 months at least I feel like I've had all that stripped from me. Raped of my independance, left naked with the tattered ruins of my pride & strength scattered on the floor around me like so much ripped clothing. It's depressing you know. I feel like I'm in a lake, cold & icey & the longer I'm in there the more the hyperthermia stiffens my body & weighs me down, I begin to feel tired, my eyes finding it hard to stay open, panic subsides leaving a willingness for the darkness to take over, my fight all but gone. The last air bubble escaping my from my cold parted lips as the water rises over my head, the last part of me to see the fading daylight is my hair as it too is enveloped by the velvetly darkness of the lake waters. Sinking, heavily but weightless to the bottom where I lay cold & still like the stones around me, my eyes finally close as I come to the realisation I have been totally consumed, accepting my fate, I become one with the lake, I die. <br>This is how I feel, burried, drowned by my debts, by my lack of faith & independance. I don't want to give up, but I may not have a choice. What do I do?<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://karenchesters.blog.co.uk/2007/05/15/ventation_mickation~2274325/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>