Thoughts & Things

Today is one of those days, like Valentine's, when you get the opportunity to make things in your life a little better, a little easier to cope with & a little happier too. But this February 29th is not gona be like that for me. I've spent the last few months wondering whether I should propose to my boyfriend & I'd decided that I would. But things lately have been causing me to change my mind & last night was a prime example of that. I don't care if child birth is the most natural thing in the world, having some pyschotic doctor hack up your private parts with a pair of fucking scissors is not!!!!!!!!! You never hear the horror stories about giving birth, you only see the happy mums & dads after all the pain has gone away. No one ever tells you the truth of what it actually is. Oh & the term "involuntry anal expulsion" is not exactly gona rake in the numbers is it. It's only when you watch a birthing video that you actually get to really understand the horror that it really is. There's this woman with a babies head poking out & it's a bit on the stuck side so the doc litterally runs up to her with a pair of scissors & starts hacking away! Not cutting, hacking!!!!!!!!!!!!! My blokes sat there saying, oh isn't this marvelous, the most wonderful natural thing in the world & I'm sat there horrified by what I'm seeing. Why is it men always complain that women don't know what it's like to be kicked in the balls & they feel really hard done by it, but when it comes to pushing a bowling ball out of you chuff & going through hours & hours of agony & labour to have it all topped of by a gaping wound for a perinium, do they sit there & say "it's ok, it's perfectly natural"?????????????? Well fuck that I said! You try having someone cut you up in the middle of labour & see how you like it. It's not your fucking vagina that's got to stretch to 10 times it's normal size! It's not you that's gona shit themselves infront of about 10 doctors & I don't care if they have seen it all before. It's not you that could have there bits slashed to pieces coz the doc got a bit over zealous with the scissors, oh & by the way, they don't give you anything to numb the pain for that either! Watching that woman give birth & be violated by that doctor is the single most horrifying expereince of my life!!!!!!!! I mean, I never for one minute thought that giving birth would be all roses & fluffy bunnies & that it'd be over in no time, but I never imaginned it would be that horrible!!!! We've been trying for children for a year & a half now & now I want to give up!!!! How could I knowingly put myself through that much pain! Just thinking about it freaks the flying fuck out of me now & I don't think I'll ever get past it. It makes me feel sick, like I'd rather die than go through all of that. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I can't talk to my boyfriend about it coz he blatently doesn't understand & he's spent the whole morning feeling guilty & sorry for himself anyway. I need to talk to someone neutral about it. I'm gona find someone & off load & see what they say.
So this February 29th what am I gona do with my extra day? I'm going to town to avoid my man & maybe get absolutely fuck faced for the first time in about 4 years! I am not gona propose, I am not gona be around the house to spend time with a guy who thinks it's ok to let a doctor cut you up when you're already in excrusiating amounts of pain anyway. I am not gona tidy up like I said I would, I'm going out & I don't know or even care when I'm coming back at the moment, coz I'm so disgusted & horrified that I can't even look my bloke in the eye & tell him how I feel.
Happy 20 fuckin 9th everyone. Eat chocolate & get pissed, it's easier than everything else. 

.....It take soooooooooo long for the things your waiting for to arrive? You could wait your entire life for one thing to happen & there's no guarentee it will. Love for example. That might never come along, or when it does it's with the wrong person, or the right person for the wrong reasons. Life is a very complicated thing. Especially when it comes to online shopping! Now I, like millions of others, have got a bit of a problem when it comes to internet shopping & even more so, auction sites. I've got a horrible addiction to ebay. I find things on there all the time that I know I could make great things out of, or would come in really handy, but when they get to the door & after they've been eagerly unwrapped, like so many Christmas presants, they just get pushed to one side to collect dust, given away or re-sold. Why is that? I mean, if you knew something was gona be a great idea when you came accross it, why is it so impractical once you get it out of its packaging? I guess some of it has to do with our "throw away" society attitude. Everything is expendable, whether it is or not. Maybe we're all just too materialistic....aaaaaaanyway, I'm wavering. Why does it take so long for things to arrive? Well, how can you be sure that the dodgey bloke you just bought that pink handbag (or something else) from actually posted it when he said he did? How do you know if the Royal Mail won't let you down, as it so regularly does. "Oh I'm sorry sir/madam, it must have been misplaced, lost, stolen or given to the posties dog for breakfast" But even worse than Royal Mail are companies like ParcelForce or City Link. They tell you they have brilliant services that take 24 or 48 hours guarenteed delivery, but they're talking out of their bum holes really, coz they just want your business, your hard earned pennies. They sit there, kissing your ass telling you this that & the other "Oh yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" but what they're really thinking is, "Mmmmmmmmonay!!!!!!!!!!!" Only out to fill their own pockets for as little effort on their part as possible. Bastards. They never deliver anything on time. I'm still waiting for my parcel you sons of bitches!!!! Hurry up & get it to my door, or I'll be punching your delivery driver in the mouth & asking him to pass it on to the first manager he sees after leaving my door step. I mean, it's not that difficult really. Get parcel, put it on van, drive van to destination, get parcel out of van, walk to front door, knock on it & ask for a signature. A blind, deaf & dumb monkey could do a better job of it!!!!!!!! Get a move on you slackers & if it's broken I'll come find the tosser who threw it on the van & spit in his face.........