Thoughts & Things

I remember so well about 12 months ago, the start of 07, saying to myself & to my partner, "this is our year!" I was so sure that things couldn't have been worse than 2006. Goodness that seems such an age away now doesn't it. Well, it turned out, that after a struggle in 06, that 07 would prove even more problematic & troublesome. One problem after another rolled through my life. My partner has been out of work for over a year, so I've been supporting us both on my very small income the entire time, placing me into debt & practically ruining me financially. I had planned to buy my house this year, but that will have to wait another couple of years now as I just can't afford it. Last year steadily grew in horrific intensity until the heavens opened on Christmas Eve & threw a lifetimes worth of rubbish on our doorstep. But before I get to that I must go back to my original thought. I found myself again, this New Year telling myself, this year is my year, our year, at least a good year. That we'd make our own luck & not just wait for that lovey illusive & lofty lady to bring it to us. I'm sure it's a ritual that millions of us go through each passing 31st December. We all make idle promises to ourselves. We sit back in our chairs after Big Ben has finished his deafening chorous & our drunken & blurry O'le Langs Eyne (or whatever it's called) & shaking of hands has passed, & we tell ourselves things can only get better. They can't get any worse. We convince ourselves that our lives & times are about to change for the better & I think that at some point or another we actually believe that. Until the reality of New Years Day's hangovers hit us full in the face when we wake. Those dubilant spirits that were so high the night before now want to die, crawl back into the warm & comforting bed we've just risen from, even if our pillows are stained with alcoholic drool that has leaked from our mouths in our unconscious state. So, is 2008 the year when everything will finally change for the better? So far, it seems not.

So back to Christmas Eve, to begin with it was going very well. Myself & my partner were in Coventry & out with a couple of our good friends driving around to find a pub to have a celebratory drink in. However, we found there was no room in the Inn, well that Inn's carpark that is. Everywhere was rammed solid & I'm sure that was a national issue that night. Anyway, after driving around for an hour we finally found a parking space & we went to the bar & ordered our drinks. But no sooner had we decided what table to sit at that we received a phone call telling us it was extremely important that we got back to the house as soon as possible. So we ditched our drinks that we'd not even had a sip out of & threw ourselves back in the car & off we went. We got to the house about 20 minutes later to find 7 police officers in the front room, the front room window smashed through, glass was everywhere & the windscreen on my father-in-laws car also smashed through. My mother-in-law was in floods of tears, as was her daughter. Both the parents were smoking, which was worrying coz they'd both quit last year. It transpired that thier adopted son Lee, who has caused no end of issues with the family, had come to the door asking for money & when he was told no, he lost it & trashed everything he could. He'd actually thrown a 20kg plant pot through the front window whilst my f-in-law was stood next to it. Luckily he avoided any flying glass & wasn't imediately hurt. The police stayed with us for two hours to get statements. Lee had been caught in the ouse next door & taken to the local police station. So we knew that once the window was borded up that we'd at least be able to try & get some sleep, not that many of us managed that. We were all in a complete state of shock, none of us knew what to say to comfort the other, or even ourselves. So we filtered to bed one by one until the house was still. We woke Christmas morning with a sense of forboding, but we knew we had to make the best of our bad situation. We enjoyed our day the best we could & the next day my partner & I travelled to my parents to stay with them for two days before we went back to Cov. Whilst we were at my parents, the car broke down & we had to pay to have it towed to Coventry, where it stayed for another two weeks before we could afford to fix it. Once we got back to Coventry in one piece things seemed to be a little more positive. The house was in a better state of repair, as was the windscreen on my f-in-laws car. However, the peace didn't last long. We found out, quite by accident, that my f-in-law had had a heart attack over Christmas. I knew he'd taken his spray on Christmas Eve night, but I hadn't thought any more of it & neither had anyone else. But after an ECG before he was due to have his knee surgury the doctors discovered an irregular heartbeat & couldn't opperate. They decided to keep him in hospital over the weekend as well to keep an eye on him. They let him out on the Monday thankfully & he was given an appointment to see a specialist at the end of the month. I think they'll be fitting him with a pace maker some time soon. I just couldn't believe everything that had happened, all of it crammed into the space of a week! The one week in the whole year when things are supposed to be magical & peaceful & the world is supposed to be full of joy & happiness. We had been raped of our Merry Christmas & our Happy New Year. The only good news we'd had was that Lee had been remanded in custody until the 25th January when he would be appearing in Crown Court for sentencing. I hope they throw away the key this time. It's the third time he's been on remand & he was given a suspended sentence last time, so they gota put him away this time surely? I know people who've been to prison for less than he's put his family through over the last few years!!!!

We finally made it home to Wales on the 8th of January, a whole week later than we'd intended, but with a broken car & everything else, it came as no suprise to me that we were delayed in coming home. I was so glad to get back to my house & my own bed that I nearly cried & anyone who knows me knows I hate my house & the street I live on, but right then in that moment when I stepped through the door & realised everything was ok here, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed & I found a little bit of peace in my mad life. But the inner tranquility didn't stay with me for long. Shock. Things are gradually getting more & more stressful here for us. Gareth still hasn't managed to have a re-test for his Class1 HGV, Driver Training Wales messed him around a bit coz they're footing the bill. On his original test, the friday before Christmas, the lorry broke down & he wasn't able to complete the test. Still hopefully Saturday will go well for him. I have complete confidence in his abilities, I just wish he was a little more self-assured at times. Also, other things have gone wrong too. Our beautiful dog Echo has been really poorly. She stopped eating just after Christmas & lost about half her body weight, but she's on the mend now, so that's a good sign. The car is on it's last legs I think. We replaced the alternator, coz that's why we broke down, but now the radiator & the air mass meter are broken too. My income has been cut in half & Gareth still has no job. Oh yeah & the hospital here lost my extremely crucial blood test results, meaning that my appointment at the firtility clinic has to be delayed until after my next cycle, which could be two or three months depending on how well my ovaries decide to work this month.  

I just can't believe how much fate has been twisting the knife in my side, our whole families sides. A new year is supposed to bring new hope & new life. Not reguritate old hurts & build on a solid foundation of crap with more shit. I've told myself & my partner this year will be different, it will be better, but lets face it, it looks as though I'm fighting a losing battle there doesn't it. There's only so much positive thinking you can do when life throws you curve balls all the time. I know it's an old cliche, but telling yourself "When life gives you lemons you should make lemonade" can only work so much. Rising fuel & food shopping costs coupled with a reduction in income means that not only do we feel beaten into submission by life itself, but also "the man" as well. I've prayed, I tried relaxation techniques, I've been looking for work, I've cut down my spending. But at the rate I'm going, my household essencial bills are gona be more than enough to put me in an early grave, or the loony bin! I swear I can feel myself going a little more insane each day. Everytime something goes wrong a bit of my brain burns out & switches off, permentantly. I can feel it shutting down & I can't see a way through to the end of this tunnel of doom. I don't know if I'll ever reach the light & if I have to make much more lemonade all my teeth will fall out due to sugar consumption. I'm struggling, I really am. Last year I took it all with a pinch of salt, letting alot of it go over my head so it didn't bog me down. But I've put up with over 14 months worth of crap now & I don't have the tollerance for any more. I just don't. So what happens next? Will my PMA (positive mental attitude) campaign win the day & make things brighter tomorrow? Who knows. But what I do know is this, if I don't stay positive, if I don't tell myself things have to get better & that they will, then they won't. At least if I believe, convince myself completely, then there's a chance I can make things change. I don't know anyone who spent thier life sat on thier ass doing nothing, that achieved something worth while. 

Maybe on the 31st of December this year I'll be able to turn & face the man I love & say, "See I told you things could only get better. This year really was our year!" I'd love to be able to say those words & mean them & believe them with every fibre of my being. How far can PMA carry you? I'll tell you, next year. But until then, I hope that all of you have had a better Christmas & start to this new year than myself & my partner. I hope 2008 brings you joy & happiness & the peace of knowing that things could definately have been worse.