Stage two of a very scarey process is about to enter my life soon. We (Gareth & I) have our second bakery lesson, as I call it, on the 12th. I'll explain, bakery lesson, bun in the oven, trying for a baby...got it? Anyway, we had our first appointment about this three months ago & it's been a long & stressful time waiting for this next one. Gareth's 100% sure we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby, he's definately not the worrier in our relationship that's for sure. I'm filled with a sense of dread half the time & the rest of the time I'm really excited. It confuses me, so many emotions surrounding the possibility of becoming a parent. I guess the thing that makes it hardist is the fact that we have to plan every little thing in order for it to happen, because I have fertility issues. It's ok for the majority of women, it just happens upon them, not even planned most of the time & they just get on with it. I see some of those people, teenage mum's, druggies, abusive & unkind people, they pop sprogs coz they can't be arsed to use protection. They probabley never wanted thier kids when they had them, but they've ended up as parents. I feel so infuriated by them & thier lack of care or awareness & wonder if thier children really have the life they deserve. Jealousy I guess it what causes me to burn up on the inside when it comes to the lucky ones who don't have to try. I was talking to one of the ladies on my Pool Team not too long ago about kids. She told me how she & her husband tried for 6 weeks without joy for thier first child & that they felt for sure they would need to see the doctor about it. How they worried it would never happen & they would be a childless couple. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't stop myself. I actually laughed at her. Cruel I know, but it wasn't because I thought what she said was funny, it was because I knew she had no idea what trying actually felt like. "Six weeks" I said, "we've been trying for a year with no joy" After that she didn't know what to say to me & just clammed up & walked away. I don't know if it was pity or just shock that made her do that, but we've never really shared words since. A shame coz she's a nice lady. I think she feels sorry for me.
I know what you're thinking, if you've been trying for a year why are you so worried about it all, this is obviously what you want. Yes it is what we want, but when you have the time to think it over again & again, you have the time to find doubts & uncertainty. It's frightening to think that you're going to bring another person into this world, defenseless, naked, it's whole life of unspeakable truths ahead of it. But at the same time, this person will be the most beautiful thing to you in the whole world & to see him or her cry just once will be enough to break your heart into a million pieces. You have time to wonder why it is you want this child, if your reasons are the right ones, or if indeed there is a right reason. I went to see a family planning nurse some years ago, when I was younger & I'd just been told I couldn't have children. I desperately wanted to prove I could & I wanted a baby more than anything. The nurse questioned why I wanted a child. I told her I couldn't explain why, but it was something that I knew would make my life complete. She told me I was selfish. That I wanted a child for my own means & not for the right reasons. That I was not ready to be a mother & that if I had a child then I would be a terrible mother. I know in my heart of hearts she was doing the right thing, talking me out of it. Admittedly I can look back & see it was not the right time & it would have been a mistake, but it still makes me question my motives now. Am I still being selfish, or am I, we, wanting a family of our own for the right reasons. Right & wrong. Now or later. Is it a now or never situation as my friend Gwilym put it lastnight? If we don't do this now, will we ever have another chance & is the uncertainty around that forcing us to act? Is now rather than never the only reason we are going ahead with this? I don't think so, but I know it plays on my mind constantly.
I see pregnant women & pine for a fat stomach. I see babies in thier prams & feel instantly broody. I know I want a child, I know Gareth wants a child too & I know we want to have that child together. I'm just nervous I guess. Time is a scarey thing coz it gives you time to question yourself. Things will turn right in the end I know they will, I just need to relax a bit more.