Thoughts & Things

I'm sure the bank is upto someting fishy...
I, like the majority of unhappy bank customers in the UK right now, am in the process of claiming back all the charges over the last few years that my account has incurred through one means or another.
I sent all the appropriate, calm & respectful letters, & shock horror, received little help from anyone I spoke to, bar one lad in the Customer Services Dept who thought I'd been taken for a ride & got the ball rolling, which was really sweet even if it was 3 weeks too late. It got to the point where Abbey was no longer speaking to me. I got one letter telling me it would take them a further 8 weeks to perform a full investigation. I had given them 14 days!!! I told them a second time they had 14 days to come to some kind of arrangement. On the 14th day, after no response again, I processed the scarey court papers I told them I would, claiming back my charges, interest & court fees. Two days after I did this I received another letter from the bank. This one told me they appologised for the delay in sorting out my issue, but that they still needed a further 8 weeks. By law they only have 8 weeks in total to sort this kind of problem out. They even, & this is really nice, enclosed a leaflet for the Financial Ombudsmen, the body who's job it is to sort things out like this for free, even if it takes well over thier 6 MONTH projected time span!!! Needless to say, this letter & my court papers crossed paths in the mail. T he he. 
Today I checked my bank balance, as I have done every day since registering my complaint officially. I was shocked & pleased (for a few seconds) to see my balance was a full £450 higher than it had been the day before. I investigated further to see where this extra income had appeared from. A nice list of 13 bank charge refunds met my eyes. Sweet! I thought, but then the truth of the matter hit me full in the face. That was less than a third of what I am owed!!! "Where's the rest!" I shouted at the computer screen. I wanted to call the bank & give them a piece of my mind, I refrained. I rang my sister (the lawyer) instead. We decided it was best not to touch the money. Not even to move it from that account to another, incase it was an offer of repayment & that by acting on that money I was accepting it as full payment for what I'm owed. NO WAY in the world is that going to happen!!! So, with no letter of explanation as to why they only gave me the amount they did, or why they have given that amount to me, it stays there idle & immobile. I cannot touch it. If a letter turns up in the morning I'll be intreagued as to what it has to say for itself. No letter in the morning, what do I do? I would be tempted to call the bank. Maybe I should. What is the reason for a parcial payment anyway? They'd have been better off giving me nothing at all at this point, because by bribing me (well that's what it feels like) they're admitting that I am entitled to the money I've requested from them, but that they just don't want to give it to me. Well, cough up Abbey I do not accept your pitiful offer of less than a third of what you owe me! How dare you insult my intelligence with your meaningless gesture of "good will" blah blah blah. I'm not stupid, I know my rights, so be prepared for a battle if you wish!!!!! Mwha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!!!!! 

I'd like to say things went well at the hospital today, but I'm still so confused by the the whole thing that I'm just not sure. I know that sounds really daft, but I just had so much to take in, take this pill then, that pill at such & such time & do this that & the other, oh & take folic acid & have intercourse on alternate days etc. That's not even a 10th of the information I was given. I've been put on the waiting list for a second laperoscopy, I had one in 2001 but for a different reason than this time, also I'm waiting for a scan. It could be six months before I get to the top of the list though, but I'm on short notice, so they could call me at any time they like really between now & Christmas. God it's only June & I just said Christmas. Scarey!
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been given three different types of pills to take. The first is to force my body into a cycle. This should take effect in the next week or so with any luck. The second set are Metphormin, this is to level out my insulin problem which is an assosiated issue of PCOS. The third set are Chlomid, this forces the body to continue ovulating when it is supposed to & not once a year as I do now, so that we will get pregnant. With any degree of luck we should be baking within the next 4 months. But it's not an open shut case. As well as taking all these tablets I also have to take folic acid, obvious really, but I hadn't thought of it. I also have to have "day 21" blood tests done over the next two months to check I am ovulating as I'm supposed to be. If I'm not then my dose of Chlomid will be upped. It's all really complicated & I don't think I've even gone over half of what the doc said today, but the good news was that Gareth's zinc intake has had the desired effect, so IVF may not be neccessary now coz he's outperforming his past results.
This whole situation is so confusing & its really difficult to absorb everything in one go. But I think once I'm in the swing of things medication wise, everything else will fall into place. So, without getting our hopes up & without sounding too prosumptuous, watch this space for happy news in the not too distant future (with any luck)

Yesterday was a great day! Even if I was skint after it all. Anyway, I paid my bills like a good little girl & I did all my food shopping & I even made it to team practice in the night (for pool), although half the team did not. Gareth & I made it to Surrey & back as well. It took 8 hours in total, but it was well worth it. We went on a 460 mile round trip to pick up my ace scooter It's a 1970s vespa style Honda. A true Japanese import jobby though. The thing isn't even registered in the UK. The guy I bought it off has had it three years & let it continue to rust etc. So it's mine & Gareth's summer restoration project. It's the first attempt by both of us to do up a bike, we've both worked on cars before. Gareth's favourite was the Opel Manta. He is still devestated that he got rid of it. But I'm sure he'll find another one somewhere along the line. I love this little scooter, well I say little, it's bigger than I expected it to be. It cost me £55. Bargain. We're keeping it in the kitchen at the moment, so the kids on the street don't try to pinch it or wreck it. A good plan it was too, until the fooking dog got hold of it earlier!!!! She decided that, because it's taking up a bit of her space, she'd eat all the original honda tact badges off the panels. Demolished them she did!!!!! I was NOT impressed. I don't think I'll ever be able to replace them either. I'm heart broken & the dog is banished to her cage for the night. This could very well be the last straw in a very long line of destructive behaviour for her. I thought we had made huge progress with her lack of respect for things & eating stuff she shouldn't. Like my trainers, sofa, scooter etc, but I was wrong & she is once again on the verge of being rehomed. I've backed down on this point several times over the last few months, but today has really taken the biscuit & I'm not going to let her off easy. She's getting the cold shoulder that's for sure. She stresses me out so much, I just don't know if I can cope with it any more. We'll just have to wait & see. If she stays, she's a very lucky dog indeed.

.....financially comfortable for about 5 seconds.

Hard to believe, but it's true. I get around £300 tomorrow, I'm over drawn by £17 at the moment & I have £240 worth of bills to pay for as soon as I wake up. If not, I'll have no water, no internet, I won't be going to pick up my lovely crappy little scooter from Banstead in Surrey & I'll have bailiffs at the door no doubt. What a wonderful world. Still, I'm not going to be skint for long. I've started this new debt recovery regime. One of my own design, not one from some anckle snapping company that tell you they're doing you a favour, when in actual fact they are just screwing you over ever so slightly more with each passing day. Debt Free Direct my arse!!! I did get in touch with one of those companies not so long ago, to see if they could help me out. I gave the guy a list of my income & all my out goings. He was totally useless & didn't understand a word I was telling him. Anyway, in the end they sent me one of those "no obligation" statement thingies that tell you if you sell your soul to them & give them every penny you earn, you'll be debt free in 5 years. Well that's all nice & lovely & I appriciated the help, until I realised that by giving them the amount of money they were asking for (about 95% of my monthly income) I'd be even more financially ruinned than I already was!!! I mean, I can't guarentee my house phone bill will be under £25 every month, or that my mobile bill will be under £30 every month for the next 5 years, or that the rate of Tesco's personal inflation won't increase my food shopping bill beyond the £30 I try to stick to at the moment. Freedom of debt is not worth your soul trust me.
Anyway, as I was saying, before I ranted off on one. I've started my own personal debt recovery regime. I've decided to dig out all the small debts, the ones under £200 & pay them off one by one in 3 payments each. This gets them out of the way & off my mind. The only problem is, while this is a nice idea, it doesn't leave me that much money to play around with in the mean time. But, it's only in the very short term. By August I will have paid off most if not all of my puny debts, which means I'll just be left with the big ugly ones. But it'll be on my terms & that makes everything easier for me. No sleepless nights or endless headaches. A very pleasant change from the norm.
So, yes I'm a bit pissed off that I didn't realise quite how horrificaly I was shafting myself up my own arse financially for the next few weeks, but, it's only for a few weeks. If I tell myself that, then I will get it all sorted & it'll be out of the way in no time. Which means I'll have more free money in the long run, which means I'll be able to do more shopping for random crap I don't need, which means I'll be happier all round. Che ching!!! Sweet   

Stage two of a very scarey process is about to enter my life soon. We (Gareth & I) have our second bakery lesson, as I call it, on the 12th. I'll explain, bakery lesson, bun in the oven, trying for a baby...got it? Anyway, we had our first appointment about this three months ago & it's been a long & stressful time waiting for this next one. Gareth's 100% sure we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby, he's definately not the worrier in our relationship that's for sure. I'm filled with a sense of dread half the time & the rest of the time I'm really excited. It confuses me, so many emotions surrounding the possibility of becoming a parent. I guess the thing that makes it hardist is the fact that we have to plan every little thing in order for it to happen, because I have fertility issues. It's ok for the majority of women, it just happens upon them, not even planned most of the time & they just get on with it. I see some of those people, teenage mum's, druggies, abusive & unkind people, they pop sprogs coz they can't be arsed to use protection. They probabley never wanted thier kids when they had them, but they've ended up as parents. I feel so infuriated by them & thier lack of care or awareness & wonder if thier children really have the life they deserve. Jealousy I guess it what causes me to burn up on the inside when it comes to the lucky ones who don't have to try. I was talking to one of the ladies on my Pool Team not too long ago about kids. She told me how she & her husband tried for 6 weeks without joy for thier first child & that they felt for sure they would need to see the doctor about it. How they worried it would never happen & they would be a childless couple. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't stop myself. I actually laughed at her. Cruel I know, but it wasn't because I thought what she said was funny, it was because I knew she had no idea what trying actually felt like. "Six weeks" I said, "we've been trying for a year with no joy" After that she didn't know what to say to me & just clammed up & walked away. I don't know if it was pity or just shock that made her do that, but we've never really shared words since. A shame coz she's a nice lady. I think she feels sorry for me.
I know what you're thinking, if you've been trying for a year why are you so worried about it all, this is obviously what you want. Yes it is what we want, but when you have the time to think it over again & again, you have the time to find doubts & uncertainty. It's frightening to think that you're going to bring another person into this world, defenseless, naked, it's whole life of unspeakable truths ahead of it. But at the same time, this person will be the most beautiful thing to you in the whole world & to see him or her cry just once will be enough to break your heart into a million pieces. You have time to wonder why it is you want this child, if your reasons are the right ones, or if indeed there is a right reason. I went to see a family planning nurse some years ago, when I was younger & I'd just been told I couldn't have children. I desperately wanted to prove I could & I wanted a baby more than anything. The nurse questioned why I wanted a child. I told her I couldn't explain why, but it was something that I knew would make my life complete. She told me I was selfish. That I wanted a child for my own means & not for the right reasons. That I was not ready to be a mother & that if I had a child then I would be a terrible mother. I know in my heart of hearts she was doing the right thing, talking me out of it. Admittedly I can look back & see it was not the right time & it would have been a mistake, but it still makes me question my motives now. Am I still being selfish, or am I, we, wanting a family of our own for the right reasons. Right & wrong. Now or later. Is it a now or never situation as my friend Gwilym put it lastnight? If we don't do this now, will we ever have another chance & is the uncertainty around that forcing us to act? Is now rather than never the only reason we are going ahead with this? I don't think so, but I know it plays on my mind constantly.
I see pregnant women & pine for a fat stomach. I see babies in thier prams & feel instantly broody. I know I want a child, I know Gareth wants a child too & I know we want to have that child together. I'm just nervous I guess. Time is a scarey thing coz it gives you time to question yourself. Things will turn right in the end I know they will, I just need to relax a bit more.