Thoughts & Things

Oh how I have missed you these many months. I have neglected you beyond all reason. I have been so caught up in myself I forgot your needs are as great as my own. Forgive me, please. I will return to you soon, when the anger subsides, seaping out of my person allowing me once more to write on your pages of truth, lust, faith & desire. Forgive my lack of commitment to your cause, I shall be with you soon.......

How can you tell if you're begining to resent the one person in your life that you really should be the most grateful to have? I know life hasn't treated me kindly over the last couple of years, my relationship has put alot of financial strain on me as well as alot of other problems, but I really hoped that I would stay kind & neutral to it all. I really hoped I would. I don't think I can any longer though. Things are so difficult. I've given up on telling him to get a job, coz it just doesn't make a difference. I've even given up on telling him he's got to move out coz I can't afford to keep us both on my one income. Nothing changes. Ever. I've been living this nightmare for two years. To begin with it was difficult but I got used to it & just let everything wash over my head. Emotionally detatching myself from the situation. It got easier to live with after a while because it just became the norm. But now, I am having to considder looking for work to keep us with a roof over our heads. I haven't worked due to ill health for nearly 6 years! So now I can feel that little hint of resentment seaping in through the seams of my being. Creaping its way through the brittle stitching that keeps me in one piece, that holds my skin together, that's stops the fragmentation of my whole self. It's poisening me, turning my blood black & my heart to stone with every cell it invades. I'm begining to go beyond not caring. I'm getting to anti-caring. Where I don't care about things any more but I care enough for it to start hurting me, damaging me & forcing me out of my comfort zone, forcing me to face the reality that, if things don't change, then I will have to change them. I see happy couples all the time, they fill the world with their happiness, smiles & melded forms from two to one. It just makes things harder. It makes me resent my situation even more. I was going to have a family with the man who is the root cause of all of this stress. Only recently did I come to my senses & decide that this was a bad idea right now. Since making that decision everything has changed in my mind about how much I can put up with, about how much longer I can or can't cope with this. I feel foolish now that I ignored my friends advice so many times, I was so infactuated & happy to be in love back then, that them trying to help me made them my enemies for a time. I feel trapped in my life, like I can't move forward, but I don't want to move back. How do you deal with that kind of thing? Do you stick to your guns & keep telling yourself that everything will be ok in the end? Or do you take action & put an end to it all? Does the fact that he owes you two years worth of bills, fuel, food, socialising & freedom influence your decision? Should you keep him til he's paid you back, or cut your losses & hope for the best? I just don't know. I hate myself for thinking this way, but I am young, fairly attractive, & I want to be able to make something of my life other than become a parent. I love my Mum, she's a great role model now, but for years all she ever did was be a mother & a wife. She had no sense of self, she gave up on her own life when she met my Dad. Things are different for her now, she has a life of her own & lifes it, I think, pretty much how she wants to, but for the first 18 years of her marriage she was the obidient little misses. I can't do that. I want more from my life. I want the opportunity to make a difference for myself & use my brain, it was quite a good one a few years ago before I fried it, but I think I could get it back into shape, if I tried. But how can I do that with the big STOP! sign that hovers infront of my eyes?????? Every time I try to take a step forward it blocks my move. It's like a game of chess where the whole board is jammed full on pieces infront of me, waiting to take me away as soon as I try to take a step. I hate it. I need it to stop. NOW!!!!!!!

Today is one of those days, like Valentine's, when you get the opportunity to make things in your life a little better, a little easier to cope with & a little happier too. But this February 29th is not gona be like that for me. I've spent the last few months wondering whether I should propose to my boyfriend & I'd decided that I would. But things lately have been causing me to change my mind & last night was a prime example of that. I don't care if child birth is the most natural thing in the world, having some pyschotic doctor hack up your private parts with a pair of fucking scissors is not!!!!!!!!! You never hear the horror stories about giving birth, you only see the happy mums & dads after all the pain has gone away. No one ever tells you the truth of what it actually is. Oh & the term "involuntry anal expulsion" is not exactly gona rake in the numbers is it. It's only when you watch a birthing video that you actually get to really understand the horror that it really is. There's this woman with a babies head poking out & it's a bit on the stuck side so the doc litterally runs up to her with a pair of scissors & starts hacking away! Not cutting, hacking!!!!!!!!!!!!! My blokes sat there saying, oh isn't this marvelous, the most wonderful natural thing in the world & I'm sat there horrified by what I'm seeing. Why is it men always complain that women don't know what it's like to be kicked in the balls & they feel really hard done by it, but when it comes to pushing a bowling ball out of you chuff & going through hours & hours of agony & labour to have it all topped of by a gaping wound for a perinium, do they sit there & say "it's ok, it's perfectly natural"?????????????? Well fuck that I said! You try having someone cut you up in the middle of labour & see how you like it. It's not your fucking vagina that's got to stretch to 10 times it's normal size! It's not you that's gona shit themselves infront of about 10 doctors & I don't care if they have seen it all before. It's not you that could have there bits slashed to pieces coz the doc got a bit over zealous with the scissors, oh & by the way, they don't give you anything to numb the pain for that either! Watching that woman give birth & be violated by that doctor is the single most horrifying expereince of my life!!!!!!!! I mean, I never for one minute thought that giving birth would be all roses & fluffy bunnies & that it'd be over in no time, but I never imaginned it would be that horrible!!!! We've been trying for children for a year & a half now & now I want to give up!!!! How could I knowingly put myself through that much pain! Just thinking about it freaks the flying fuck out of me now & I don't think I'll ever get past it. It makes me feel sick, like I'd rather die than go through all of that. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I can't talk to my boyfriend about it coz he blatently doesn't understand & he's spent the whole morning feeling guilty & sorry for himself anyway. I need to talk to someone neutral about it. I'm gona find someone & off load & see what they say.
So this February 29th what am I gona do with my extra day? I'm going to town to avoid my man & maybe get absolutely fuck faced for the first time in about 4 years! I am not gona propose, I am not gona be around the house to spend time with a guy who thinks it's ok to let a doctor cut you up when you're already in excrusiating amounts of pain anyway. I am not gona tidy up like I said I would, I'm going out & I don't know or even care when I'm coming back at the moment, coz I'm so disgusted & horrified that I can't even look my bloke in the eye & tell him how I feel.
Happy 20 fuckin 9th everyone. Eat chocolate & get pissed, it's easier than everything else. 

.....It take soooooooooo long for the things your waiting for to arrive? You could wait your entire life for one thing to happen & there's no guarentee it will. Love for example. That might never come along, or when it does it's with the wrong person, or the right person for the wrong reasons. Life is a very complicated thing. Especially when it comes to online shopping! Now I, like millions of others, have got a bit of a problem when it comes to internet shopping & even more so, auction sites. I've got a horrible addiction to ebay. I find things on there all the time that I know I could make great things out of, or would come in really handy, but when they get to the door & after they've been eagerly unwrapped, like so many Christmas presants, they just get pushed to one side to collect dust, given away or re-sold. Why is that? I mean, if you knew something was gona be a great idea when you came accross it, why is it so impractical once you get it out of its packaging? I guess some of it has to do with our "throw away" society attitude. Everything is expendable, whether it is or not. Maybe we're all just too materialistic....aaaaaaanyway, I'm wavering. Why does it take so long for things to arrive? Well, how can you be sure that the dodgey bloke you just bought that pink handbag (or something else) from actually posted it when he said he did? How do you know if the Royal Mail won't let you down, as it so regularly does. "Oh I'm sorry sir/madam, it must have been misplaced, lost, stolen or given to the posties dog for breakfast" But even worse than Royal Mail are companies like ParcelForce or City Link. They tell you they have brilliant services that take 24 or 48 hours guarenteed delivery, but they're talking out of their bum holes really, coz they just want your business, your hard earned pennies. They sit there, kissing your ass telling you this that & the other "Oh yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" but what they're really thinking is, "Mmmmmmmmonay!!!!!!!!!!!" Only out to fill their own pockets for as little effort on their part as possible. Bastards. They never deliver anything on time. I'm still waiting for my parcel you sons of bitches!!!! Hurry up & get it to my door, or I'll be punching your delivery driver in the mouth & asking him to pass it on to the first manager he sees after leaving my door step. I mean, it's not that difficult really. Get parcel, put it on van, drive van to destination, get parcel out of van, walk to front door, knock on it & ask for a signature. A blind, deaf & dumb monkey could do a better job of it!!!!!!!! Get a move on you slackers & if it's broken I'll come find the tosser who threw it on the van & spit in his face.........

Justice has been served. To a degree. Lee, that nasty brother I was telling you all about, went to court today. I didn't get to see his face when the judge gave him his verdict, but I can quite happily imagine the look on it was one of great shock & injustice. I would have loved to have stood there infront of him at that moment & said "Hah!" & "Hah!" again. Just to rile him up a bit more as the final realisation of the fact that he was going down! Very down! hit him in the face He's been given 2 years, with a minimum compulsory term of 18 months. Admitedly, the whole family I think would have loved for him to have been given a longer sentence, but beggers can't be chosers & lets face it, at least he's out of the way & our lives can return to some kind of normality. At last. He deserved what he got, but he still didn't get what he deserves! A small amount of faith has been restored to the justice system of this country for me & my family. Thank you Judge

It's funny the things your brain does to you when it decides to take a trip down memory lane. I often find myself reflecting on times past, the fond memories as well as the painful. I don't know if it's because I have an insecurity about placing steps into my own future, or simply because the past is comfortable because I've already lived through it. Either way, I found myself wandering through the misty paths of times gone & vivid recollections of the things I have done thrust themselves in to the foreground of my mind, as if exploding from the fog they came, thick & fast. Why this time, this day I have no idea, but there they were bombardeing my senses like a riot stampeeding to the front of my brain. The days when being young seemed to be the worst injustice in the world, those days when all I wanted to be was an adult & I had no idea I was wasting my adolescence. Head strong, full of blind determination & sure, so sure of myself & what I wanted, that I never thought it possible I would tread another path to the one I had chosen for myself. Those days, so very far away now, of bike rides at weekends in the hight of summer, to the wet & windy walks through Ironbridge without a care for the rain or even in the world. Nothing phased me in those days. I had my friends, whom I thought I would never lose no matter what, I knew where I was going in my life & everything was going well. I had no cause to feel sad or depressed as I remember, but rose tinted lenses will always enhance the past out of what it truely was. The rain, that rain, I remeber that day as if it were yesterday. It is so clear when I think on it. Marching up & down the sodden streets, jumping in the puddles, all the puddles, the bigger the better. We were so wet anyway that we cared little for the flu like consequences of our actions. Singing at the tops of our voices. roud that we knew all the words & caring little for those who were as insane as us & walked the opposite path, staring at us from under thier brollies & hoods, the water dripping off every part of them, cold & heavy. They must have thought us quite uneven, but who were we to care! We did not need to read minds to understand what they thought of us, but we cared not. Passion of youth kept us warm & happy on that day. The rain beat down on us, heavier than I think we had seen it that year, but we spared no second thought for ourselves other than our enjoyment of that moment. An intimate flicker of innoscense that we would soon lose through the process of time. How I miss that day. How I long to go back there & re-live that one moment, just for a second, just to remember how it felt to be able to take life for granted & care little for the results. Youth, that most fragile of times lasts longer than we want it to when we are living through it, but once it's passed it seems to have abandonned us far to quickly. Flying away from us, desperate to leave our sides, draggin itself away from our clawing fingers as we fruitlessly try to keep a grip on it, denying ourselves our maturity for as long as possible. Change happens to us all in the end, there is no way to avoid it. Innoscense stripped from its owner, never to return & given to another who has entered this world after us. A never ending cicle, pattern of events. But oh the memories.....they are worth a life time of youth.

Well, it certainly has been some time since I visited my blogs & even longer since I added to them, so I thought I'd take heed of this time for reflection & forward thinking & use it to put some words down.

It really hurts, when my friends tell me my boyfriend is a sponge & a waster. Yes, I accept the fact that things aren't perfect, I accepted that a long time ago, but he does not take advantage of me & I do not let him think that for even one minute that he can. Ok he doesn't have a job, he hasn't had one for a while & things financially are, shall we say, a wreck. BUT it does not gve you all the right to tell me I'm acting like an idiot by supporting him! Ok there are times when I've wanted to just stop & go back to how things used to be before all this money trouble. I even threatened to kick him out if he didn't get his act together. He may wish on some subconscious level to be mothered it's true, BUT he is the kindest most generous & loving man I've ever had in my life & more than I deserve after some of the things I've done. It hurts me so badly that you people, the ones who "care" (in your own words) can't see past the outside of the picture. You don't know what a real relationship is, what real love is, you're all too busy being young & naieve & self absorbed. What would you do if you were me??? Would you really give up on the person you loved with every fibre of your being, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, all on the basis of a few short months in what could potencially be a lifetime together? Are you really so self pittying that you couldn't weather the storm & see just one thing through in your life with conviction & dignity?! You, who are consumed with gossip & what's best for you, not once did you stop to think that someone elses feelings, besides your own, are involved here! His feelings & mine. Would it not bother you to learn that the world viewed you as a loser when all you are trying to do is better yourself? What good is a job in Mc Fucking Donnalds if it doesn't even fix the short term problems, let alone the long term ones!!!!! Did you ever once think how you would feel if you found this all directed at you? Am I such a poor judge of character, so untrustworthy with my own life, that none of you can see that I know what I'm doing? You don't know the conversations we have, in the depths of the nght when we can't sleep because of the stress, or the worry. You don't see or hear the feelings cried into our pillows, or each others shoulders. The hopes & dreams that we thought, this time, might come true, only to be thrashed down by another pointless interview. You can't see how much it hurts him to have to live the way we do, how much he wants to change that & be financially supportive as well as emotionally & physically. He tries, every day, to make things easier & all you do is critisize! How do you expect him to improve if all you bastards do is put him down & put my attempts to help him on his way down too? You're narrow minded & selfish. I'm sat here, in tears because you think the worst of him & thus me. This is the man I will marry & have a family with, the man I will make my life with, the man I love & not one of you has ever wished me luck or said you're happy for me, not one of you! Yes this may sound like the ramblings of a pathetic attempt to make you all see sense & my efforts will probabley be in vain. But remember this & ponder on it if you will, standing on a snail & crushing it's shell does not make a free slug, it just crushes the snail. If you knock him back & down a peg whenever you get chance, how will he ever make himself more than he is? You're cold hearted & callous & you should look closer to yourselves for your own failings before you comment on other peoples. You have no right to judge him if you cannot judge yourself my so-called friends.

I'm sure the bank is upto someting fishy...
I, like the majority of unhappy bank customers in the UK right now, am in the process of claiming back all the charges over the last few years that my account has incurred through one means or another.
I sent all the appropriate, calm & respectful letters, & shock horror, received little help from anyone I spoke to, bar one lad in the Customer Services Dept who thought I'd been taken for a ride & got the ball rolling, which was really sweet even if it was 3 weeks too late. It got to the point where Abbey was no longer speaking to me. I got one letter telling me it would take them a further 8 weeks to perform a full investigation. I had given them 14 days!!! I told them a second time they had 14 days to come to some kind of arrangement. On the 14th day, after no response again, I processed the scarey court papers I told them I would, claiming back my charges, interest & court fees. Two days after I did this I received another letter from the bank. This one told me they appologised for the delay in sorting out my issue, but that they still needed a further 8 weeks. By law they only have 8 weeks in total to sort this kind of problem out. They even, & this is really nice, enclosed a leaflet for the Financial Ombudsmen, the body who's job it is to sort things out like this for free, even if it takes well over thier 6 MONTH projected time span!!! Needless to say, this letter & my court papers crossed paths in the mail. T he he. 
Today I checked my bank balance, as I have done every day since registering my complaint officially. I was shocked & pleased (for a few seconds) to see my balance was a full £450 higher than it had been the day before. I investigated further to see where this extra income had appeared from. A nice list of 13 bank charge refunds met my eyes. Sweet! I thought, but then the truth of the matter hit me full in the face. That was less than a third of what I am owed!!! "Where's the rest!" I shouted at the computer screen. I wanted to call the bank & give them a piece of my mind, I refrained. I rang my sister (the lawyer) instead. We decided it was best not to touch the money. Not even to move it from that account to another, incase it was an offer of repayment & that by acting on that money I was accepting it as full payment for what I'm owed. NO WAY in the world is that going to happen!!! So, with no letter of explanation as to why they only gave me the amount they did, or why they have given that amount to me, it stays there idle & immobile. I cannot touch it. If a letter turns up in the morning I'll be intreagued as to what it has to say for itself. No letter in the morning, what do I do? I would be tempted to call the bank. Maybe I should. What is the reason for a parcial payment anyway? They'd have been better off giving me nothing at all at this point, because by bribing me (well that's what it feels like) they're admitting that I am entitled to the money I've requested from them, but that they just don't want to give it to me. Well, cough up Abbey I do not accept your pitiful offer of less than a third of what you owe me! How dare you insult my intelligence with your meaningless gesture of "good will" blah blah blah. I'm not stupid, I know my rights, so be prepared for a battle if you wish!!!!! Mwha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!!!!! 

I'd like to say things went well at the hospital today, but I'm still so confused by the the whole thing that I'm just not sure. I know that sounds really daft, but I just had so much to take in, take this pill then, that pill at such & such time & do this that & the other, oh & take folic acid & have intercourse on alternate days etc. That's not even a 10th of the information I was given. I've been put on the waiting list for a second laperoscopy, I had one in 2001 but for a different reason than this time, also I'm waiting for a scan. It could be six months before I get to the top of the list though, but I'm on short notice, so they could call me at any time they like really between now & Christmas. God it's only June & I just said Christmas. Scarey!
Anyway, as I was saying, I've been given three different types of pills to take. The first is to force my body into a cycle. This should take effect in the next week or so with any luck. The second set are Metphormin, this is to level out my insulin problem which is an assosiated issue of PCOS. The third set are Chlomid, this forces the body to continue ovulating when it is supposed to & not once a year as I do now, so that we will get pregnant. With any degree of luck we should be baking within the next 4 months. But it's not an open shut case. As well as taking all these tablets I also have to take folic acid, obvious really, but I hadn't thought of it. I also have to have "day 21" blood tests done over the next two months to check I am ovulating as I'm supposed to be. If I'm not then my dose of Chlomid will be upped. It's all really complicated & I don't think I've even gone over half of what the doc said today, but the good news was that Gareth's zinc intake has had the desired effect, so IVF may not be neccessary now coz he's outperforming his past results.
This whole situation is so confusing & its really difficult to absorb everything in one go. But I think once I'm in the swing of things medication wise, everything else will fall into place. So, without getting our hopes up & without sounding too prosumptuous, watch this space for happy news in the not too distant future (with any luck)